The Worst Blow Job Tips on the Internet, According to Me

Once upon a time, there was a fair maiden enslaved in a tall tower. She waited many years for her knight in shining armor to come rescue her and had nothing but many monthly issues of Cosmopolitan to keep her company. She read and she read and she read, preparing herself for an encounter with her prince that will leave him positively breathless. Unfortunately, when her knight finally arrived at the castle, she was confused—he didn't like it when she stuck frozen quarters to her labia, and he was unresponsive when she licked his eyelids. Left in her castle alone, she became bitter, vowing to never let this travesty happen to another woman in all the land. 

Alas, it's incredibly difficult to blog from a Medieval turret, so I'm here to dispel said wisdom upon you in her place. You will notice that most of these tips are from the one and only Cosmo, because it's a black hole where boners go to die. It's sort of like if Pinterest got drunk and started Madlibbing household objects into dirty text messages. After reading articles like "How to Give a Finger Blow Job" (I know, I don't get it either), I decided to sift through some of the advice modern magazines are giving us and dispel it once and for all. 

Note: I only opted to share the really weird ones. There are guides out there that are relatively obvious as well. Some will teach you how to give a "sloppy blow job," which basically means "use your saliva" and others claim to know the art of a "corkscrew blow job," which is like, rotate your hand while you're sucking. No, don't rotate your face. Stop that. 

Without further ado, I give you: Everything you should never, ever do when a penis is in front of your face. 

Unleash your inner musician

First, a rare non-Cosmo Glamour-ism:

"Did you play piano as a kid? No? Doesn't matter. Palm his sack in your free hand and play your made up, weird piano song with your fingers. Hear that groan he just made? That's a song you just wrote. Way to go, Ball Mozart." 

Speaking as someone who does, in fact, play the piano, I can assure you that this will not make any music whatsoever. You're tapping on the back of his balls. That is what is happening when you do this. Why are you tapping his balls to the tempo of "Bohemian Rhapsody?"

Just pretend you're going to give one

According to our beloved Cosmo:

"Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off."

I'm no scientist, but it seems like the doughnut is getting all the stimulation in this situation. Also, when was the last time you saw a doughnut? The holes are pretty narrow. Please don't jam a doughnut into his penis. Either way, congrats—you've successfully avoided giving a blow job at all. 

BDSM, Martha Stewart style  

"Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects." 

In what fucking world does sneezing feel the same as an orgasm?  

Yummy Cummy 

Cosmo:

"Go down on him with an ice pop in one hand. Take turns sucking on his penis and the pop." 

OK, guys. I know I'm being the ultimate buzzkill with science here, but melted popsicles are sticky. Let's think about that for a second. 

1. Do you want to put a sticky penis in your vagina later? Do you?
2. If someone going down on you decided to take dessert breaks, you would probably dump him from sexual frustration. Three seconds from his climax is not a good time to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. 

Don't try this at home 

Cosmo:

"Use bobby pins as DIY nipple clamps."

Oh god. 

When in doubt, there's always Mario Kart 

Cosmo again:

“Move my penis up and down like an old-school Atari joystick—up, down, side to side, in a circle.”

I actually have a friend who has personally tried this as a joke, and her BF got soft within seconds. If you make "nnneeeerrrrr" car noises while you do this, you get extra points. 

If you're dating an idiot

Fucking Cosmo:

"Here's a trick that gives him the illusion that you're taking him all the way in: Place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth. Then let his member hit the underside of your tongue."

You guys. You guys. Do you understand how much shorter this makes your mouth? He's going to get the tip in and then decide you're an alien. 

TEST HIM 

Do I even have to say it?:

"Quiz him—what's your favorite flower, movie, etc.—and if he gets it right, he's earned 10 seconds of oral. Wrong, and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won't burn) on his chest. "

Gentleman, if you ever encounter a woman who does this to you, know one thing: She is a specimen who wants to treat you like a German Shepherd and will continue to do so for the duration of your relationship. 

Get that penis some Sudoku

You already know:

"Don't let the penis get bored." 

You never want the penis to get bored. Make sure that penis has a few video games, several cans of PBR, at least one season of "South Park," and a pepperoni pizza for good measure. 

LOL what 

Cosmopolitan strikes again: 

"Lie on your back with your head hanging off the bed, and slide his penis into your mouth. It’s a good way to reduce your gag reflex."

I only think this one is hilarious because Cosmo said it, and this activity, my friends, is called throat fucking and most likely ends with someone coming on your chin. Ain't nothing wrong with that, but this is a magazine that publishes articles like, "My Boyfriend Wants Me to Swallow His Semen and That Is Grossssssssssssssssssssssss." 

So yes, fair maidens. If you want to give good head, I will give you a few pointers. Eh hem:

• Actually suck. Like you would on a lollipop.
• Don't bite it.
• Use your hand where your mouth isn't.
• Pay attention to the tip and his balls.
• One word: Saliva.  

But then again, Cosmo did bring us this: 

And they did give us one legitimate, totally serious, actually good, very wise piece of advice: 

"No matter whether you spit it out, swallow it, carbonate it in a Soda Stream, or freeze it into ice cubes—if he won't kiss you afterward, fuck that." Anna Breslaw is a diamond in the rough, ladies and gentleman.