Calvin Harris Inspires T. Swift’s Imminent Album With $40 Hand Job

So. We all know how this story goes: A fuckboy walks into a moderately decrepit Thai massage parlor. 

And he's like what, guys? Can't a fuckboy get a $40 massage in this town? 

(This town is Los Angeles.)

Then he's all, I mean, so what if this place is written up as Happy Ending Central on Yelp? Can't a man and his boner visit a sketchy establishment in peace? 

My shoulder hurts, guys. 

And then Taylor is all like, don't you have a personal masseuse? Don't you have 110 MILLION DOLLARS?

And Calvz is like, babe. Babe. Babe babe babe. 

Did I do something wrong? 

And she's like, really? REALLY?

But C. Harrz is just like, oh shit ... my bad. 

And now, somewhere in the world, Taylor and her blank space are crying like this and working on a new single called "Your Boner Broke My Heart," which will inevitably sell millions.