The Toned Vagina

If you haven't heard of vaginal weightlifting, you're not alone. I had certainly never heard of it until recently. My first thought upon learning of this witchcraft: What will I possibly need to lift with my vagina? A pen? The TV remote? My hair straightener? But no—as it turns out, it's not for lifting objects with your lady bits at all. It's about strengthening your PC muscles, which would, in theory, greatly improve your own ability to orgasm via your vag as well as your partners orgasms in general. OK, I like that.

Use of the word "weightlifting" to describe this activity was still troubling at best, so I did a bit more research and came across this handy, hilarious video that is perhaps best summarized by the sentence, "Most women on the planet are walking around with numb, weak vaginas."

Fuck bicep curls. This sounds way more useful. I'd like to have the phrase "Better orgasms for everyone" on a T-shirt, so this is right up my alley. No pun intended. I envisioned myself becoming a sexual goddess through the use of advanced kegel exercises, and I ordered a few different toys accordingly. Future Me: 

Awww yeah. My toys came in the mail, I locked myself in my room, and when my roommates came a knockin', I was like: 

For someone who has tried your basic kegel exercise (Squeeze your vague vaginal muscles! Yeah, like that!), I thought graduating to toys/tools/devices/IDK would be relatively easy. I was wrong. I sat there, two eggs, two magnetic balls, and one telephone-shaped "dumbbell" in hand. I look down at the zipper of my jeans. I looked back up to my merchandise. I looked down at my zipper. I shook my head. This did not compute. Thank god for instructions, am I right? 

The Vaginal Dumbbell 

Nope. Not terrifying at all. But let's start at the beginning, shall we? This is a photo of the dumbbell: 

(Pardon the crumbs—I was eating potato chips while I was reading the manual.) It's pretty small and relatively light. SO. I did what the instructions said: I assumed the position. I tried the larger end first. Nooooooope. I tried the smaller end, and the fucker kept wanting to flip over. Are you supposed to hold the other end? Does that mean my vagina is weak??? WHY CAN'T I BE A NORMAL PERSON???? Anyways, I eventually figured it out and was able to "pull up" on it. I did my reps. I didn't break a sweat, so I already favor this over my morning yoga routine. 

I don't really understand how this works, and I imagine I look absolutely ludicrous trying, but hey—I'll eventually live it down. I will, of course, report back after a few weeks of weight lifting to tell you how swimmingly everything is going down south. Next up: 

The Nen-Wa Balls

Ah, arousal AND toning?! How convenient—that happens to be my favorite way to multitask. I knew the gist of Ben-Wa balls prior to this purchase—I mean come on, I've read "50 Shades of Grey"—so this was a bit easier. You just stick 'em up there and go about your life. Holding them in place, as it were, strengthens your PC muscles and gives you a little zing in the process. I obviously ordered the magnetic ones because magnets are cool. I don't know what the added benefits are, but I imagine they exist. Anyway. 

I had one major fear that caused me to stare at these silver balls in my hand for much longer than I should have: What if I can't get the top one out? I've read the Internet threads, as every responsible hypochondriac should, and this terrified me. Whatever. My gyno probably wouldn't judge me that much if I had to come in and have them forcibly removed. I bit the bullet. 

And guess what? THEY WORK. It's pretty fun to try to everything together, and they really do feel good. It's kind of like the foreplay to foreplay (foreplay inception?), which can never be a bad thing. They came out pretty easily. No trip to ER yet. Some people tie strings around the balls for easy removal, which I imagine would quell my anxiety quite a bit. (Fun fact: You can also play Tug of War with your own vagina if the balls have strings! Who knew?) 

At this point, I had just one more toy to conquer. My roommates were starting to worry about me, but I prevailed. 

The Glass Kegel Eggs 

These little guys are a lot like Ben Wa Balls. Actually, they're pretty much exactly like Ben Wa balls. I don't know the actual difference between these and Ben Wa Balls. Whatever. I bought them anyway. And in a pinch, they would make great Easter decorations. 

The only real difference was the highly detailed diagram that let me see exactly what these bad boys would look like in my body. Not quite as sexy as the Nen-Wa packaging, but just as effective in theory. I will say this much: If one were to fall out while I was milling about (which has not yet happened), it would look like I was laying an actual egg. I haven't decided if this would be gratifying or terrifying. Only time will tell. 

So there you have it. I am now the proud owner of not one, not two, but three different vaginal exercisers, and I will soon have the most toned vagina in all the land. If that's as great for my sex life as the video suggests, I'm on a way one way train to pleasure town. (I'm sorry—I'll never say that again.)

And in case that wasn't enough for you, there's always the #ThingsILiftWithMyVagina Instagram page. Yes, you are reading that correctly. You can tie virtually any object to a Ben-Wa ball and insert said ball into your vagina. This sounds like a new, cool way to take your lunch to work. 

I'll give it a go and report back.