So, I have a confession to make. I suck at sex toys. I've spent the bulk of my adult life terrified of them, but all of that is about to change. In my new column I Suck At Sex Toys, I'll be attempting to conquer some fears and hopefully help you to conquer some of yours.

This is Sex Toys 101, so please bear with me as pick some strange stuff to review, mess up terminology, and just generally sound like an ignoramus. In time, hopefully we can rename this column, I'm Getting Better At Sex Toys or maybe even one day we could call it I No Longer Suck At Sex Toys. It's good to have goals. 

For the inaugural column, I'll be looking at...

Doc Johnson's Sasha Grey UR3 Deep Throat Sucker

According to the Box...

Doc Johnson's most desired starlet, award winning performer Sasha Grey, is now available for hot oral action! Sasha's Cream Pie Pocket Pussy has proven to be hotter and more popular than any pocket pussy on the market. Get more of what you already crave with Sasha's Deep Throat pocket pal is molded directly from her sexy pouting lips. With a closed end, the suction pleasure is further intensified. Made of luxurious UR3 material, it's the closest feel to the real deal. Made proudly in the USA. Get her while you can!

So I've never used a masturbator before. I've pretty much operated under the assumption that they were the exclusive domain of sad men living in our nation's basements. Upon remembering that it wasn't all that long ago, I was one of those guys living in a basement—those were dark days right after my divorce—I decided to swallow my pride and try one out. 

This particular one appealed to me for a number of reasons. I won't lie, the first of those was the price point. One of the things that really turned me off to Fleshlight was the price point, but this one seemed to be of fairly high quality and at $19.95, it felt like the right choice for a novice. Add in the fact that I'm a big fan of Sasha Grey and it just felt like this was calling to me... Metaphorically, of course. I don't need anyone reporting me to the authorities for thinking that just because a sex toy is molded from a pornstar's mouth that I think it's speaking to me.

But I digress, upon opening the box, I was met with the masturbator, wrapped in a plastic bag, as well as an instruction sheet—"pfff, instructions," barks my inner alpha male—and a sample packet of Doc Johnson's UR3 Refresh Powder. A couple of thoughts immediately entered my head, the first of which was, this is too fucking weird, I don't know if I can go through with this. 

This is a perfectly normal reaction, particularly when faced with a disembodied mouth, but I figured the weirdness would just dissipate once I got this thing working. Spoiler alert, it kind of does, and it kind of doesn't. Let's be honest about this, there's a bit of a weird factor with most sex toys, but the minute you get them working for you, the weirdness goes away. Anyways, the girlfriend is at the Billy Joel concert, so I've got plenty of time to explore this thing and let the weirdness wear off.

Mistake #1

So I begin to feel the toy and it feels pretty slick, so I figure that I won't need any lube to use this properly. Stop rolling your eyes and re-read the name of this column. After making a boner-killing attempt to shove this thing onto my dick I say to myself, I think you're going to have to lube this thing up.

Mistake #2

I grab the small bottle of lube next to the bed, flip open the cap, and accidentally dump what has got to be easily 1/3 of the bottle inside the toy. Realizing that I had done this, I fumble to get the cap closed and with a flick of the wrist, dump half of the lube out onto the bed. So much for discreetly using a sex toy while my girlfriend is out of the house. Erection, by the way, is now completely gone, but thankfully the masturbator is ready to go at long last.

Success #1

After a minute or two, I'm ready to go again, and the lube helps me to slide Sasha's mouth into place. I cue up my favorite video (there's this JOI video that works like a charm), and not wanting to take any chances, I figured I should go with a video I know works. 

It takes a minute to get going because it just feels strange at first. It's not quite like masturbating and it's not quite like getting your dick sucked, but it falls somewhere in between. It's definitely better than just using my hand as always, but it requires more nuance because by virtue of the product itself, it's hard to move it rapidly. This is where I can see Fleshlight having an obvious advantage due to its outer plastic casing. The biggest disadvantage at this particular moment is that it's just a little bit difficult to keep a firm grip on the base of the masturbator because it's made from the same pliable material as the rest of the toy.

So I feel myself getting to what my ex-wife used to call "The Point of No Return," and the weirdest urge in the world comes over me. I've been pulling out for the better part of my adult life and so my instinct to rip the masturbator off and finish like normal hits, but I move past it and when the orgasm came, it was pretty spectacular. This is where "the suction pleasure" the box was bragging about really comes into play.

As every guy knows, any guy given the choice between coming inside an orifice and outside of one will lean drastically in favor of the former. The suction certainly didn't feel exactly like the real thing, but it felt worlds better than just blowing a load inside a sock or a tissue. It was so good, in fact, that it elevated the entire experience for me, and I may never go back to using just my hand, unless I'm in a hurry because...

The Worst Part Of All...

Cleanup. This is the Achilles Heel of all masturbators, the ridiculous amount of time and effort spent cleaning them. Not even a Fleshlight, at nearly three times the price of this thing, could escape this problem. If you're in a pinch and really need to rub one out, this is probably not the way to go because the cleanup process is lengthy, and if you take a while to orgasm, you might be looking at 30 total minutes or more from beginning to end. 

Thankfully my girlfriend was busy singing "Goodnight Saigon" with 60,000 people, so I had some time on my hands. The first thing I did was empty what had accumulated in the masturbator into the toilet. I then pumped some soap inside and used warm water. After consulting the instructions—gasp, don't tell my dad—I determined that it was safe to turn it inside out for a more thorough cleaning. I used a towel to dry it, and then liberally sprinkled the aforementioned powder on both the inside and outside of the toy before returning it to its bag and box. 

Overall, I actually really enjoyed my first experience with a masturbator. It obviously can't replace the real thing, but it's definitely better than the same old hand, sock, guilt routine I've perfected over the last 20+ years. The cleanup process is lengthy and overall this isn't something to use if you're in a hurry and just need to rub one out, but the value to pleasure ratio is extremely high in my opinion. 

I would definitely give it a 5/6 on the Flaccid to Fully Erect Scale...

Click here to pick up one for yourself, or even for a friend.