The Anatomy of a Pretty Penis

After decades of knowing, dating, avoiding, loving, and talking to men, I know one thing to be indubitably true: Men are obsessed with their penises. I get it—your package is your manhood, a body part that asserts you in the world of sex and masculinity, and you want it to be a good one. 

It's part of the dick pic phenomenon—guys are often clamoring to send you pictures of their cocks, usually way before you want one. A hand inside someone's pants will usually yield a, "It's big, isn't it?" while those who feel a little insecure with warily murmur, "I could be a little bigger" after what was probably a great sex session. Tell any guy he's way better than your vibrator and he'll mutter, "Yeah, but I don't vibrate," under his breath. The truth? Women don't think about what your penises look like nearly as much as you do. Unless we're moderately obsessed with it, of course, which we probably are if we have any emotional ties to you. (Don't worry, I'm not going to get sentimental quite yet).

What Makes a Good-Looking Dick?

The good news? Your worry is over! The Journal of Sexual Medicine did a study on what penis qualities women find important, all ranked. It was meant to reassure men who have surgically corrected hypospadias (when the urethra doesn't end at the tip of the penis at birth) that their dicks don't look weird, but it's provided a lot of insight for the rest of the male population, too. The researchers interviewed 105 women ages 16-45 and asked them to rank eight attributes in order of importance when it comes to their sexual partners. Their answers will surprise you—trust me. Let's start with the least important and move forward:

(I apologize for all the dick pictures. A girl has to illustrate somehow.)

8. Position and shape of the urethral opening 

Aha! This is immediately comforting for those who do have surgically corrected hypospadias. No one (and I mean no one) can tell that your urethral opening has been surgically constructed. We like your pee hole just the way it is. 

7. Scrotum

Perhaps this is because it's usually the second thing we look at, and perhaps it's because the scrotum pretty much always looks like a scrotum no matter what. I can't personally ever remembering being like, "Wow! What a great scrotum!" and I have acute attention to detail. So there. 

6. Length 

Yes, you're reading this right! Length comes in at No. 6! My personal input? Women will notice if you have a monster cock, and they will notice if you have a micropenis. The average penis is 5-7 inches long hard, and those all work really well in a 3-4 inch long vagina. So stop worrying about how long your penis is! (Fun fact: More straight men have an obsession with big penises than straight woman—but I'll get to that later.) 

5. Shape of the head

The best description of a "good shaped head" was a comparison made using Darth Vader's helmet. This is largely true—pretty penis heads are considered by most to be pronounced. This is a biological thing: The more a head protrudes from the actual shaft, the better it would have been at scraping another man's semen out of a woman's vagina back in the day.

4. Girth

Ah, yes, a size quality that does matter. Think about it this way: A woman's vagina can't be stretched farther in length—it will remain 3 to 4 inches long no matter how long your cock is. The wider you are, the more you'll fill her up, though.

3. Penile skin 

Here's where it gets a little more ambiguous. Women frequently describe their partners' penises as pretty or beautiful (far more often than they'll call it large), and it really just has to do with how it looks. The skin on a penis can be smooth or wrinkly, uniform or discolored, moist or dry. It might sound ridiculous to you, but hey—we have to spend a lot of time down there. 

2. Pubic hair 

Every woman has a different preference when it comes to pubic hair, but most will say they don't especially like it totally wild and untrimmed. My favorite is trimmed to about half an inch, while other women like it totally shaved. This one's easy: Just ask the girl you're with. 

1. General cosmetic appearance 

Haha! You thought we'd give you something more constructive, didn't you? In all seriousness, a pretty penis is much like a pretty face. You can say things you like about it, but you're never really quite sure what it is specifically that makes it so beautiful. 

Perhaps the most notable finding from the study, though? The more sexually interested a woman is in a man, the more likely she is to think you're penis is beautiful. Exhibit A:

The present study also investigated attributes of the observing women that influence their evaluation of whether a penis is to be considered as normal. In line with our expectations, the multiple regression analyses indicated that the older and the more sexually interested a woman is, the more normal she perceives the appearance of a penis to be. 

The study confirmed what I already knew: The more you like someone, the more inclined you are to think their penis is beautiful (but a little girth and a great tip certainly help). I then took to Reddit, the goldmine of the Internet, to see what else I could scrounge up on the subject. Some women said they liked when the girth was the same all the way down the shaft (I agree), but then the conversation devolved into knitting penis hats. 

Interestingly enough, Reddit (and porn... and other chat rooms... and relevant conversations) would suggest that a lot of men like looking at cocks, too. So there you have it. Penises for everyone!

Needless to say, the women on Reddit all agreed, too: If a girl says you have a beautiful dick, take it as the ultimate compliment. Now, isn't it time you thanked her?