Only in Florida: It’s Either Me or Your Dildo!

In my column Only in Florida, I'll be taking you down to the Sunshine State for the latest and greatest sex stories that can only be found in the craziest state in the union.

It's been a while since we've been down to Florida, but I promise it's been worth the wait for a story like this one. Give a warm Florida welcome to 36 year old Triston Horne... 

Triston here's got a problem with one of the seven deadly sins, the same one that got John Doe a bullet to the head at the end of Se7en... Envy.

A Florida man with an extensive history of domestic battery was arrested after he allegedly flew into a fit of jealous rage and broke his ex-wife's sex toy.

It's one thing to break your wife's sex toy, but your ex-wife's sex toy, that's a whole 'nother level of crazy.

Triston Horne, 36, apparently couldn't stomach being replaced by a machine during a visit to his ex-wife's home in Bradenton, on July 1, and took his anger out on the object, the Manatee County Sheriff's Office charged in his arrest report.

It's gotta be tough to see your ex with someone new, even if that someone new is a vibrator, but a long relationship is bound to foster some sense of resentment toward anyone—or anything—new.

The victim told police their marriage had to be nullified shortly after they tied the knot, when she learned that Horne was already married to another woman.

Jesus, dude, I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but you're making it impossible for me. 

She had invited him to spend the night so he could take her to work in the morning, and the two were reportedly smoking cigarettes in her bedroom when a disagreement escalated into a fight, police said.

During the melee, Horne allegedly busted in on his ex-wife in the bathroom and accused her of cheating on him with a sex toy. He grabbed her hand and twisted it despite her pleas to let go, she told police.

Horne eventually did but only so he could go back to the bedroom and return with his evidence, which he promptly broke in half.

Here's where Florida really kicks in. I feel like in any other state, this would be the end of the story, but because this is Florida, we're gonna go ahead and pile on offenses for what, at the moment, is likely just misdemeanor assault and destruction of property.

That's when the victim told Horne to leave, and she and her 16-year-old daughter physically pushed him out of the house.

Horne allegedly returned later that night, broke into the house and stole his ex-wife's cell phone. Horne said he took it because she broke his phone, the victim told police.

Way to go dude, breaking and entering, and let's go ahead and trump up that misdemeanor destruction of property to a felony while we're at it. Smart move dude, but honestly, this column wouldn't exist without your tireless efforts to be as crazy as humanly possible, and for that, we salute you.

Via New York Daily News