China Leads The World In Sperm Extraction Technology

Goodbye spank mags and naughty nurse fantasies, China has just introduced a game changer in the workaday world of sperm extraction. 

According to IFL Science (link below), this contraption is called the "Hands-Free Sperm Extractor," which wins the Snakes on a Plane award for just coming right out and telling you what to expect. Seriously? That was the best they could come up with? 

The effortless machine features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to suit the height of the user. All the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature and off they go. It’s also fitted with a small screen for those feeling uninspired.

You know, there really is nothing that'll coax the sperm right out of you like an industrial machine grabbing hold of your dingus and attempting to milk you like a cow. I guess I'd have to classify myself an Amish sperm extractor. Keep your damn technology away from my dick, China.

Also, as any American knows, nothing says quality like "Made in China." Also, how do they clean this thing in between extractions? Whose job is that? God help whomever has to do it, that's all I'm saying. Jizz moppers are only found in two places on earth, peep shows and sperm banks. Think about that the next time you need to produce a load. 

Via IFL Science