“Single White Female” Seeks Batteries For Her Vibrator

A masturbation movie? How refreshing! It's feels like it's been ages since we've seen one of these, and yet we feel we need masturbation porn now more than ever. If anyone forgets why it's important to treat women fairly, give them equal pay, and let them control their own bodies, make them watch this and say, "Look. They don't need us, man."

It's just five girls and their toys, getting lost inside their own minds, as they push themselves through orgasm after orgasm like nobody else can. You can fantasize about what it'd be like if you showed up an offered to "give them a hand," but in your heart of hearts, you know your presence would be a hindrance to their horniness.

Look at Alexis Monroe. The back of the box tells us that "Alexis is so horny she can't leave the bed." What would you do to help her, get a forklift to get her out? Naw, pal, that's not how Alexis does things. She's going to whip out her vibrator, put her ass in the air, and bury her face in the sheets as she comes and screams and quivers. In all likelihood, this will make her tired and keep her in bed longer, and then she'll masturbate more, and then she'll become a shut in. Whatever, as long as she stays hydrated, she can keep that going for at least a week.

Nicole Aniston gets prank called, so she blows off steam by taking a bubble bath. Oh, you want to hop in the tub with her? Not happening: it's a one-seater, and she is not sitting on your lap. Nicole has no problem making her butt surface like a shiny submarine breaking through ice, but you have to ask yourself: is she doing this for us, or is she letting a little cool air tickle the skin of her hot ass? We don't know, but we do know that she has a steel G-spot attacking dildo, and she is going to be so fucking pruny by the time she gets out. (Hey, how come pruny-fingered handjobs isn't a niche market?)

We wish we had pictures of Prinzzess Felicity Jade's and Veronica Ricci's respective scenes, because the DVD cover shows them 'bating it in striking settings. Veronica masturbates in the dark, letting splashes of moonlight illuminate her body and show us her goods. Prinzzess also does her dealing and diddling at night, but she prefers to roll around in her car charging $50 to let guys watch her fuck herself.

Damn, "Single White Female," we are so sorry we ever thought you needed us. Then again, you still need us to buy this movie. We're back in the game!

· Jules Jordan (julesjordan.com)
· Buy "Single White Female" (store.fleshbot.com)