Ask Camille: Breaking The Monogamous Mold

I'm definitely entering a new phase of my sexuality. I've always been in monogamous relationships in the past. I've realized as I'm getting older I have sexual fantasies that I'd like to fulfill, and it isn't gonna happen in a monogamous relationship.

So, up until this point I've always approached women with dating in mind, exclusive monogamous dating. I really want to experiment more with women, but I don't know how to approach them given this desire. I'd prefer to not get slapped in the face. 

What ways would you suggest I approach women with my desire being to have myself and a male friend double up on them for example, or have her and her friend double up on me?

Congratulations on identifying the shift in what you need and for looking for what works for you. I'm going to break this down into a couple of components, because you've got a number of options here.

From what you've said so far, you seem to be talking about wanting sexual exploration, not really about additional romantic relationships.  If you were, that would mean looking into polyamory, which is the idea of loving (or at least having romantic feelings for) more than just one person.  If that type of thing interests you at all, you should read up on it with books like Opening Up by Tristan Taormino or websites like Not Your Mother's Playground.  There are plenty of resources beyond that, and a whole bunch of thinking to do to see if it's right for you.

If you're strictly talking about sex, then you have a number of options when it comes to meeting women who would like to be in a relationship with you but would also have fun trying things with other people.  You can definitely look on more adult-oriented meeting websites, or even dating websites that allow you to search based on responses given to questions about sexuality.  You can also look into the poly or swinging community and socialize either online or at a meeting, being up-front about what you're looking for.  For that to happen, though, you need to know what you actually want.  Do you want a serious relationship?  Do you want to be open to see other people sexually on your own, or just together?  How often do you actually want this to happen?

Another thing to consider is that a lot of women you'd meet in your day to day life may be into occasional or even not-so-occasional exploration with others.  Some people are very open about their desires, but others need to be more comfortable to open up about their interests.  The same way you'd meet someone and look for chemistry or sense of humour or intelligence, you can look for a compatibility when it comes to your sexual interests.  It's a process, of course, but so is finding someone who fits in other respects.  It sounds like "sexually open" is now on your list of criteria, but that doesn't preclude you from traditional dating.  You may find exactly what you're looking for in a less obvious place.  But maybe don't lead with your sexual fantasies exclusively.  If you're looking for a long-term partner as well as new sexual experiences, you want someone who is the whole package and you may not get that by talking exclusively sex right out of the gate.

It's also important to remember that not everyone you're going to meet will be into exactly the same level of exploration with you.  If you're looking for a threesome with another woman, maybe consider at looking into meeting bisexual women, as they're more likely to be into having fun with a woman than someone who is totally straight.  You might meet someone who wants exploration with more or less frequency.  It's important to adjust your expectations and remember that anything you explore with confidence and respect together will beget more exploration if you go at a pace that works for both of you.  Or, all of you.  ;)

· See more of Camille Crimson at The Art of Blowjob and CamilleCrimson.com (theartofblowjob.com + camillecrimson.com)

Camille Crimson is not a doctor. This column is for informational and entertainment purposes only. For more advice, head over to the Ask Camille archive.