“April Flores World”: Thrilling Rides, But Not Worth The Price Of Admission

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Everybody loves hitting up amusement parks during the summer, right? Allow us to give you a word of warning before you visit "April Flores World": April is a goddess, her rides are great fun, but the place is kind of a mess. Honestly, we'll take a smoking hot BBW over a trip to Six Flags any day of the week, but that's beside the point.

April Flores World

Studio: C. Batts Fly Productions
Director: Carlos Batts
Cast: April Flores

I know I shouldn't believe everything press releases tell me, but I was giddy when an email blast about "April Flores World" promised "a real-life documentary that follows her on the road trip of a lifetime," and that's not what this is. "AFW" is a handful of masturbation scenes, a sex scene, some footage from photoshoots, and some sploshing all broken up by clips from April's stand-up comedy/storytelling show. There are a number of moments in this film that are either straight-up cute or breathtakingly beautiful, but all in all, they're overshadowed by lazy editing as well as poor video and sound quality.

The film starts off with great promise: April is on stage (and the distant camera cannot handle the light bouncing off her body) telling a story about the job she had before working in porn: customer service for Whirlpool. The audience is engaged, April is a charming storyteller, and all is well. Then suddenly April is standing on a highway median getting brutally pied in the face by award-winning crime fiction writer Christa Faust. April retaliates, and the two women stand there exclaiming, "I can't believe it! This is so humiliating! Look, everyone is watching!" No one watches. April dabs her dainty toes in the chocolate/cream mess and squeezes some sugar goop out of her cleavage and then it ends. The press release calls it "the most exciting and sexually-tense pie fight ever caught on film."

The first masturbation scene shows up a few segments later, but it's a disappointment. Do you remember April's dildo dance from "Fuckstyles of the Queer and Famous"? I knew it was filmed by the lovely and talented Tina Horn, but we didn't know that Carlos Batts was also there, recording April and Tina from the other side of the room. I can't exactly fault "AFW" for showing me something I happened to have already watched, can I?

This scene blew me away (and made me taste cinnamon) when I saw it in "Fuckstyles," but Batts butchered it for "AFW." He's either too far away from April or he's using Tina's footage, and whenever he switches between the two, horrifying sounds fill the air as if Carlos is receiving messages from the astral plane. The music switches abruptly from high-energy breakbeats to medieval woodwind melodies, neither of which suit the mood, both of which are difficult to jerk off to. Finally, the scene goes on for too damn long; I can understand having a ton of uncut footage if he's trying to show us April's real life, but that pie fight scene was faker than aspartame and not half as sweet!

Putting the negativity aside for now, I'd like to share some of my favorite moments in "April Flores World" with you:

· April sits her portable makeup kit on her lap, and the sun coming through the windshield makes every last pot of color glow like neon.
· As they drive along the highway, April has her pretty feet up on the dashboard and she wiggles her toes at the other cars. She brings the camera down to her chest, showing us the way the seatbelt violently divides her boobs as well as how her plump thighs describe the bumps in the road.
· A makeup artist applies lip gloss on the wrong spot; it's a dab of imperfection on April's perfect mouth.
· April needs to switch shoes during a photoshoot, and Carlos patiently watches as she removes one foot, places it inside an even steeper of heels, and repeats the same with the other. I don't care what kind of fetishes you do or don't have, this makes your feet tingle.
· For one scene, Carlos aims a camera at a TV and creates an infinite loop, and April adds her bethonged ass to the edge of our vision so that every dimension might appreciate her ripe rippling.
· And then there's the moment when I realize that I recognize the coastal trail where April poses with a dildo. Have you ever seen an infinitely juicy woman pound her pussy during low tide by the rocks where you used to hike as a small Californian child?

And yet, my feeling of having a true bond with April is quickly broken by the oceanic wind in the microphone and the throbbing, pointless techno.

The last two scenes involve April having sex with a masked man (she wears a black wig and they bang with the enthusiasm of PornHub stars) and April dancing in a sketchy bathroom (where it's too dark to see her).

Come on, folks, is this really "April Flores World"? We know this woman, we admire her, we desire her, and her world should be as inviting and arousing as she is. Maybe our copy of the film got switched with "April Flores Purgatory."

· C. Batts Fly Productions (carlosbatts.com)
· Buy "April Flores World" (tlavideo.com)