“This Ain’t Conan the Barbarian” Takes Itself Just Seriously Enough

Lee Stone does not channel Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hustler's parody of "Conan the Barbarian." This may be why we are rooting for him.

This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX

Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Starring: Lee Stone, Jazy Berlin, Jayden Cole, Asphyxia Noir, Brandy Aniston, Missy Maze, Tommy Gunn, Sean Michaels

Review by: Gram Ponante

Without having seen the original (I am clairvoyant and prudish and frown on future adulterers), I really enjoyed Hustler's "Conan the Barbarian" parody because it was goodhearted, silly, and gave a fuck.

Conan (Lee Stone) is released (by a master who looks like Jeff Lynne of ELO) from a "Spartacus"-style servitude (the voiceover makes no mistake of that, referencing "blood and sand") and hooks up with the slightly less-massive Tommy Gunn in a series of adventures.

Along the way, he meets a hottie who turns into a witch-MILF, rides a horse, sees a snake, and decapitates Sean Michaels dressed as Rick James.

What is charming (and effective) about this movie is not the special effects (90's-era syndicated television at best, but try doing "Highlander"-style VFX on director Stuart Canterbury's budget), the fight scenes (ahem), or the locations, but the attitude; "Conan" as a porn parody reassures us that everyone is here to have a good time and look at naked ladies.

All the women (Jayden Cole as a masturbating servant girl, Jazy Berlin as warrior chick Valeria, and the other tasty women the production didn't bother to credit with a name) are buxom and fleshy, perfectly cast for this sort of movie, and Canterbury even threw in some dialogue-only, scenery-chewing non-sex roles, which always gives a production a feeling of weight and financial solvency.

"Conan" comments on itself in a cute way (dead Valeria comes back to urge Conan to kill Rick James/Sean Michaels and "end the movie") but doesn't skimp on actually presenting a movie; there is a beginning, middle, and end to "Conan" that may have been lifted from the original but also provides people who actually buy porn (and the demographic that actually remembers the Arnold Schwarzenegger original might just be the last group that does) with a story. It was fun to watch.

Missing from the movie is any behind the scenes interviews with stars Lee Stone or Tommy Gunn, any commentary at all about how a live snake and not one but two horses were employed, or a dramatis personae-the cast did a fine job; why not credit them? The credits also don't tell us who wrote the movie.

I received a 2-D version of this movie, which was shot in 3-D. I can only say the lighting was very rich and deep, and the dimensions of the actresses will certainly benefit from the extra-dimensional treatment.

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