Major In Kink, Minor In Privacy: How To Have Sex In A Dorm Room

Whether you're off to college for the first time or about to graduate, it never hurts to plan ahead for chaotic, cramped, communal dormitory living and the difficulties of fucking on an extra-long twin bed.

Because it's not just about your lack of space and free time; it's about operating in an environment where everyone is constantly stressed, frequently drunk, and hoping to get laid. The same factors that contribute to random hook-ups can also hinder them if left unchecked, so before you do anything...

Prepare yourself: Keep a stash of sex supplies somewhere handy, but not somewhere obvious and vulnerable to theft. Everybody needs:

Contraception: We know, we say this every time. Sorry! Anyhow, whatever your preferred method of contraception is, we recommend having condoms around. If you have a problem with roommates stealing condoms (or at least paranoia about it), snag some cheap ones from Health Services and use them as decoys to protect a hidden box of your favorite brand.

Baby wipes: Keep these around so you don't need to risk a naked and/or dirty dash to the communal bathroom for clean up.

Memory foam mattress pad: This doesn't have much to do with sex, but it makes your bed super comfy and allows you to use pick-up lines like, "Hey, come sit on this bed with me and see how comfy my new mattress pad is."

Prepare others: Privacy is rare. Unless some bureaucratic snafu blessed you with no roommate and the elusive dingle (double-sized room being used for a single occupant), you need to discuss the possibility of sex with those who share your space. Your RA probably already covered the basics of sexiling someone with a tie (or sock, scrunchie, hat, etc.) on the door and the associated elements of sexual privacy etiquette, but allow us to add one thing...

Don't try sneaky sex: Think you can screw while your roommate sleeps in the same room? Silent sex sounds possible and even exciting to the kinky among us, but it's simply not doable. Dorm beds are cheap, squeaky, and made for one person only. Even if your roommate doesn't wake up during the act, you still have to deal with all the awkwardness that comes with the morning.

All that aside, the keys to discreet yet dirty dorm sex are easily accessible. The hardest part is probably lavishing attention on your partner while staying mindful of the other people nearby. Get into the mindset as soon as you get home...

Checking In: There's a good chance that you'll have to check your partner into your dorm at the front desk, so please be sure to remember his/her name. If you feel up to it, idle chit-chat with the security guard is always cool—it's a little like bringing someone home to the parents.

Setting The Mood: Exercise your charms however you please, but there are a couple of things to take do first. Put on music for a sonic shield of privacy, and if your door doesn't automatically lock, then lock it.

Extra-Long Loving: Did we mention that the beds are awful? Worse: some dorms have extra-long twin bed bunks. Many of these bunks can be separated (which we highly recommend doing), but even if you're stuck with the worst bed of all time, you can still have fun.

Try bondage: Seriously. A lot of dorm beds have big wooden or metal frames that are just perfect for this kind of thing. Buy some handcuffs or a roll of fetish tape and go to work. Do it now because as soon as you leave school, you'll only have enough money for a mattress and a bed frame will be a far off fantasy.

Customize your height: The bed frame should allow you to separate the part the mattress lies on from the posts that hold it up, and change the height as you please. Many people make the bed as tall as possible for storage purposes, but this is also handy for seating your partner on the bed and performing oral sex. Adjust the bed to pelvis-level so you can fuck standing up. Enjoy your options!

Low ceiling blues: Some colleges like to cram kids in the tiniest spaces possible, and many end up on the top bunk of a room with a low ceiling. Fret not, for sex is still possible! For example: instead of doggie-style sex, have fuck-ee lie on his/her stomach with a pillow propping the ass in the air. In general, play it close, slow, and intimate.

Beyond The Bedroom: Is there anywhere else to have sex in a dorm? Nowhere we'd recommend necessarily. On a personal note, we know a rather petite girl who sat on her bathroom sink and wrapped her legs around her skinny boyfriend, only to rip the sink off the cheap wall five minutes later. Point is: dormitories are too old and/or poorly made to tolerate kink and creativity.

· Dormitory sweetheart via Face Down Ass Up University (facedownassupuniversity.com)