Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Riley Steele’s Forbidden Fancies Rocket

No offense to Riley Steele, but I know "Riley Steele's Forbidden Fancies" vibrator doesn't reflect her as a person. It's overpriced, over-decorated, and, well, kind of boring.

To be fair, all the "Pirates" toys are pretty ridiculous. I was especially intrigued by Jesse Jane's Smoking Pistol, and the little bullet-necklace vibes. But the Forbidden Fancies vibe doesn't even have a decent level of camp to make it interesting. It also looks like the kind of vibrator I would buy at Hot Topic. It's all skulls-and-roses, with a rhinestone-studded base. I felt like I was reverting to my high-school emo girl days even putting it near my vagina.

My major, non-aesthetic complaint about this vibe is a purely practical one. It requires two C batteries. What the hell is a C battery? Yeah, I didn't know either. Turns out it's like a mini-D battery (the really big ones), and they're two-for-one at Walgreens since I'm fairly sure no one buys them. I'm against any vibe that's powered by something I have to leave the house for, just on principle. What if I needed to get off immediately after my vibrator was delivered, Digital Playground? Just send me the batteries and charge me a little extra, please.

Besides, it's not as if this is a bargain to begin with. It's seventy bucks full price (though it's fifty on the DP website), and that, my friends, means this should be pretty freakin' special. Unfortunately, it seems that you're paying for the questionable embellishments, and maybe the faux-satin drawstring bag that the toy comes in. Otherwise, this is a standard vibe: it has a single button on the bottom (convenient, yes), three vibe speeds and two patterns (not that impressive of a selection), and is made of… plastic.

Please, Ms. Steele, give us a vibe worthy of your own personal awesomeness. This just isn't it. Instead of being sent on an "orgasmic voyage," ocean and all, I sailed around the orgasmic backyard koi pond.

· Buy Riley Steele's Forbidden Fancies (digitalplayground.com)