“Alexis Ford’s College Tails” Graduates Magna Cum Lousy

April 22, 2010
OTTIMO-MASSIMO

Long (and somewhat indignant at the end) review short: all "Alexis Ford's College Tails" has to offer is Alexis Ford squirting.

Alexis Ford's College Tails

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Alexis Ford, Lexi Belle, Suzanne Kelly, Danni Cole, Tessa Taylor, Mr. Pete, Rocco Reed, Dane Cross, Chris Johnson

At first, "College Tails" seems unique, even slightly bizarre (in the good way). A uniformed Alexis Ford is trying to do homework, but gets distracted by a throbbing techno beat. All of a sudden she is transported to a fantasy world and her tiny radio is now a Humvee-sized sound system that compels her to strip down for Mr. Pete. Whoever built that enormous speaker deserves praise, but it's sad that this was the high point of the movie.

For the most part, Alexis' dirty talk is a mad lib: "Oh yeah, (verb) my (body part)." Sometimes: "(Verb) my (body part) with your (other body part). Once she squirts, she shows her skills as a valiant ball swallower, but at this point in the scene, the editing gets uncomfortably jumpy. It hops from stroke to stroke in 30-second intervals, as if Godard was snipping at the film.

Alexis' other scene, the one with Lexi Belle, feels more natural, but still has amazingly awkward dialogue. Regardless, Lexi is always a delight, and Alexis is more comfortable with her. Alexis lets Mr. Pete and Lexi finger her ass, but she only seems to enjoy Lexi's delicate touch.

For some reason, scenes with Alexis have dialogue (and the Lexi/Alexis scene is the only one with music during sex) while the other three couples get neither words nor music. Sure, it's nice to watch porn without cringe-worthy dialogue, but this just doesn't work. The actors have to subtly mime their intentions, and worse: it even seems like some people are holding back satisfied sexual noises.

Danni Cole and Chris Johnson—both extremely attractive people in their own special ways—are not looking good. No talking, barely any moaning, and a lot of nervous giggling from Danni seems to throw Chris off his stroke. They barely give each other oral. When Chris finally (somehow) gets ready to pop, Danni assumes a somber expression to take his load. Why?

Suzanne Kelly seduces Rocco Reed with a psychedelic striptease before joining him on a very creaky couch. This is, in my opinion, Suzanne's best scene ever, as she spends some long, serious time sucking Rocco's cock, even complimenting it before she works it down her throat.

Finally, Tessa Taylor pounces on Dane Cross as he tries to study. The pair starts out with great vigor and passion/aggression, but they both lose steam. Dane especially seems to tire out, and soon his ass slapping doggie tactics look purely mechanical. As he finally strokes off on her tits, the catharsis has nothing to do with sexual release and everything to do with the end of the workday.

Frankly, "College Tails" is just off. Minimizing dialogue can be refreshing, but it was poorly executed in this movie. I actually missed the generic techno that Alexis had the privilege of dancing/fucking to.

I have to admit that I find Alexis Ford boring. The novelty of her hardcore career wore off quickly, and Adam & Eve can't keep pushing her past milestones. This movie contained her first squirt, so what's next? Her first anal? DP? Gangbang?

Turning Alexis hardcore will not make up for the loss of Kayden Kross. Kayden fucks (and even acts) with vitality and intent that cannot be mimicked. Watching Alexis Ford, I get the intense feeling that every innuendo, demand, and moan is coached out of her. Maybe it's silly to ask for sincerity in porn, but suspending disbelief is a team effort and "College Tails" doesn't offer any help.

· Buy "Alexis Ford's College Tails" (gamelink.com)
· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)

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Previously: Eating Alexis Ford's Ass: A Seminar