“The Five” Has At Least Eight More Boobs Than “The 300”

Other than Sasha Grey, no one in "The Five" looks even remotely Mediterranean or homoerotic. The voluptuous Bree Olson doesn't resemble a chiseled Spartan warrior princess at all. And Alexis Texas? Doesn't encourage me to hang around with oiled men.

The Five

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: Andre Madness
Cast: Bree Olson, Alexis Texas, Jenna Haze, Sasha Grey, Shyla Stylez, Johnny Sins, Mr. Pete, James Deen, Scott Nails, Danny Mountain

Review by: Gram Ponante

It is then that you realize that "The Five" is not supposed to be a porn version of "The 300."

"The Five" is ALSO not about some elite crimefighting team, unless the crime is not having an opportunity to watch Bree Olson and four other women fuck other guys.

Instead (and depending on the household) "The Five" features five of porn's household names in overlapping scenes shot in a pleasant and sunlit modern country home. Nothing special, unless you like those people a lot. Which I do.

For example, Bree opens the movie (and her stems) with a couch-based tease sequence. I hope this is not taken the wrong way, but Olson is a little heavier than the last time I saw her, and the extra weight looks great on her. People can be sensitive about weight, I've heard. When she is done tossing her lingerie at the camera, she and the camera crawl over to Johnny Sins, who happens to have been sitting on the couch all along, just like the Footprints in the famous inspirational poster.

He fucks her. What would you do if Bree Olson crawled over to your side of the couch naked? At least I hope you would fuck her. I'd block you from this URL if you didn't do your best to take advantage of all opportunities.

"Oh my goodness!" Olson yells, adorably.

Then Mr. Pete fucks Sasha Grey in the kitchen.

A few words about Sasha Grey and Mr. Pete: I am prepared to say that their onscreen personae (ice princess, hillbilly) do not accurately represent them. For example, Sasha Grey is delightful to talk with and she laughs a lot, and Mr. Pete is the nicest guy you'd want to meet. When they fuck in the kitchen you can imagine they had lunch afterward (after they'd squeegeed the surfaces).

Later, James Deen encounters Jenna Haze at the bottom of some concrete-and-stainless-steel stairwell at which someone has thoughtfully placed a couch to fuck her on.

I often wonder: What's the big deal about Jenna Haze? But in "The Five" it became clear. She makes excellent eye contact, and that can't be faked.

While the rest of the movie doesn't fizzle (a threesome with Shyla Stylez, Olson, and Digital Playground mainstay Scott Nails, a scene between Alexis Texas and Danny Mountain), I began to wonder about the viability of a title like "The Five." As there was no throughline - other than the house - the "five" only refers to the number of women in it, which is about as useful as renaming a "Reverse Bukkake" "The 17 Who Showed Up."

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Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
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Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)

Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)
Buy "The Five" (gamelink.com)

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