Marital Aid Test Kitchen: JimmyJane’s Sensual Massage Kit (Happy Ending Not Included)

In sex toy parlance, a "massager" is usually just a polite term for a vibrator — the label that stores like The Sharper Image apply to toys like the Hitachi Magic Wand, Form 6, and other girly pleasure devices in order to keep them family-friendly. So when I heard that JimmyJane had come out with a new line of "massage stones," I assumed that they'd graced the world with yet another luxury vibe. But no! These massage stones are actually intended for good old fashioned massage — you know, something to help you relax and work out the knots in your muscles. With my extensive knowledge of happy endings, I was already well aware of why some fancy massage stones might be considered a sex toy. But how did they perform? Was JimmyJane able to light the fires and give me a happy ending? Or did the stones just leave me cold?The JimmyJane massage line encompasses several different products. There two different types of stones — the I, which looks a bit like bone with rounded edges, and the M, which has the appearance of a headless quadruped — as well as Afterglow massage candles (which melt into massage oil) and Beyond massage lotion (which comes in warming, cooling, and "euphoric" varieties). For my experiment, I was supplied with an I massage stone and the Afterglow Sensory Set, which includes an M massage stone and an Afterglow candle. The massage stones are made of a fancy temperature-sensitive ceramic material that can be warmed or cooled to the temperature of your choice. They're also very cleverly designed. As you're exploring, you can use the stones separately (the M for shallow stimulation, the I for deep muscle massage) or together (placing the I into the M's grooves allows the I to be easily rolled along the back). But be warned: you'll definitely want to pair the stones with some kind of massage oil. Though they do feel good used on their own, they have a tendency to stick to the skin if they're not well-lubricated. Which brings me, naturally, to the massage candle. As a caring toy manufacturer, JimmyJane thoughtfully provides matches with the Afterglow Sensory Set—thus preventing the need to interrupt the action with a trip to the drugstore. However, they neglect to include a body brush, which is apparently included when the candle is sold separately. WHich is too bad: though the wax can be poured directly from the candle to the massage stones, or even on someone's back, doing so is very messy. In my first attempt, my assistant wound up with a large puddle of oil on his back, and all the massaging I could muster was not enough to completely work it into his skin. I spent the rest of the evening fearing that my nice clean sheets would wind up destroyed by oil. (Thankfully, they weren't: from what I could tell, the oil is nonstaining.) So how was a JimmyJane massage? As promised, it was relaxing, sensual — and definitely helped set the mood for a nice relaxing night of passion. But it wasn't a serious, intense massage, not by any stretch of the imagination. Giving a hammer to any random jackass doesn't turn him into master carpenter, providing me with fancy massage stones did not enable me to work out all the kinks in my stressed out assistant's back. But they did make for a nice prop in my naughty masseuse role play... even if, ultimately, the happy ending was the best part. · JimmyJane (jimmyjane.com) · Buy the Contour Massage Stones • Afterglow Candle • Afterglow Sensory Set (babeland.com)