Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Tongue Tingler

"Experience new levels of ecstasy!" demands the packaging of Adam & Eve's strap-to-your-face Tongue Tingler cunnilingus aid, thereby making all previous levels of ecstasy feel like crap.

In order to keep the apparatus from looking like a limp couple of pieces of elastic and a vibrating nub in the package, the plastic is molded into "I, Robot" shape to present a spectral image of the cunnilinguist you, the consumer, are to become.

"Do me, Voltron," your partner will squeak.

Read more about the Tongue Tingler after the gap.
- GP

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This thing. Well, this thing is fiendish. Hanging limp, which it does when off its mount, recalling the picture that accompanied the following Edward Gorey rhyme:

While his duchess lay practically dead,
The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
"Can it be this is all?
How puny! How small!
Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."

...the Tongue Tingler looks less like a marital aid than it does a bit of Brundlefly.

But hook it over your ears and you look like a deranged sybarite on the go.

Sometimes Miss Trixie will Dianne-Ladd-in-"Blue Velvet"-up her face when we step out, but seldom will either of us attach anything to our faces.

"Not the face," I can often be heard saying (sometimes I'm crying when I say it).

So I looped the elastic bands over my ears and propped the little adjustable vibrating heart-shaped box under my tongue and turned it on, discovering that this device would be really helpful to people who were intensely oral before strokes immobilized their faces. Everything I said from then forward sounded like it was being uttered by Weird Harold from Fat Albert.

"I-be go-be to-be tear-be you-be apabart, whore-be," I said sweetly.

Like other devices in this realm of novelties, the Tongue Tingler seems to ease the burden of lazy loving couples rather than present something new, and after awhile only the scary fetish aspect of the device remained.

"It seems like you might see that sort of thing coming at you at a bondage party," she said. "You should paint it black and reinforce it with wires."

I clicked the Tongue Tingler off. "Or I could unstrap this and we could drink," I suggested.

· Tongue Tingler (adameve.com)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive