DVD Review: “Squirt Hunter 3”

Porn's legitimate practitioners of the mysterious art of squirting are few. "She said she squirts," one director told me on the set of his squirting movie. "But she doesn't."

In Pink Visual's "Squirt Hunter 3", just like Michael Stipe says, everybody squirts (but sometimes it seems like real work).

Read our review after the gap.
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Squirt Hunter 3

Studio: Pink Visual
Director: Alan Smithee
Cast: Lexi Love, Crystal, Daryll Hanah, Annie Body

Review by Gram Ponante

There is no opening sequence in this movie which, like many of Pink Visual's titles, is culled from shot-for-the-Internet material. Instead, we get right into an interview with Lexi Love, who tells us that she found out recently of her squirting powers, when she thought she'd lost bladder control on a male scene partner.

"But not everyone can make me do it," she said, so she'd brought along someone special for the scene. This unidentified man remained, with varying degrees of success, for the other three scenes.

The banter between Love and this scene's director is, while not forced, useless. He stammers, he makes bad jokes, he acts like someone other than Love is the star of the scene. The role of the camera in movies like this is to be a surrogate for the viewer, and this guy makes the viewers sound like drooling idiots.

Before the pairing even starts, Love's scene partner tells the director to shut up.

But even when the scene is under way, the director will not be quiet. Thatn is why this perfectly serviceable porn scene with the hardworking Lexi Love should be played with the sound down and, let's say, The KLF's "Justified And Ancient" album playing in the background.

Next comes Crystal. Crystal, if I may be bold, seems like perfect girlfriend material. But she does not look like a porn star (she looks, in fact, like Juliette Lewis). She might be the best friend of a porn star who the porn star might try out new positions with, and who, of the two, enjoys sex more, but she appears to freak out her partner.

Crystal squeals, Crystal screams, Crystal squirts. But her partner cannnot stay hard. If it weren't for the general whateverness of the two other guys in the room (her partner and the firector), this scene would be painful. Instead it just seems weak.

Darryl Hanah, a bit more mature perhaps, has a better go of it with the same guy. She squirts 18 times. The director howls all the way through.

Finally, the delightfully named Annie Body redeems the entire show. A one-woman redheaded reason to forgive renaissance faires, Ms. Body, 37, looks like the ghost of a porn star from the free spirited waitress era of movies shot on film and paid for by Organized Crime. She squirts more on her own than with her partner, and her Wife of Bath look and attitude made the scene transcend the cheap room it was shot in.

There is room for all sorts of porn, at all sorts of budgets, in the little area at the corner of our closets and/or buried under the tire swing. But that does not mean the low-cost productions need to have the director supplying the dialogue.

· Pink Visual: "Squirt Hunter 3" (DVD info and trailer @ pinkvisual.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive