Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Squirting Strap-On Dildo

When the marital aid was invented by mathematician and heliocentrism proponent Johannes Kepler in 1602, a great hue and cry went up from his Württemburg cronies that he was Edging out the Man, or Rotatenpurlvibenphasen.

"Bullshit," he said, in perfect English.

It turns out they were right. With the squirting strap-on dildo, men are no longer necessary. Read more about your doom, 48 percent of Fleshbot readers, after the gap. - G. Ponante

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That this item smells exactly like the bald cap I got out of the back of Boy's Life when I was (titter) a Webelo is beside the point, but just barely.

Like other sex toys, this gadget, which consists of a hard latex dong of about six inches and some strapping-on material, comes with no instructions. On the one hand, perhaps how to get liquid into it should be obvious. On the other hand, maybe there is some liability issue that would be served by not being too graphic.

In any case, the caption reads "manually squeeze to squirt water so your partner has the real feeling of a man cumming."

"Water," I said, "is so September 10."

Without actually putting it into another person (it's about 175 degrees here), our team was able to fill the dildo with unsweetened cranberry juice (good for both giving and then removing a urinary tract infection), egg nog (real come consistency and color the way our operatives make it), and beer (in case you want to outrage the opposing softball team).

Things that didn't work: tapioca pudding, BBs.

Maybe about three ounces, or just a little more than a traditional lovin' spoonful, fit into the reservoir, which was accessed by the dildo's, ahem, urethra.

If there is any hope for males, it is in the fact that there is no mechanism on this device by which to simulate a credible ejaculation; two squeezes and it's over. There are no pledges of love, no weeping, no diminishing returns. This and only this will allow me to sleep at night.

I can do nothing else but pledge to be a better ejaculator.

· Squirting strap-on dildo (adameve.com)

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Previously in the MATK: The Monkey Rocker, Doc Johnson's Cuddles, 2 Tone Dual Delight, 5-in-1 Finger Vibes, Pleasure Pearl Masturbator, Rabbit Rider, The G-Spot Hot Handle, Heavy Love Balls, Pink Indulgence Massage Wand, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive