DVD Review: “Kurupt Uncut XXX”

Now that "Crash" has received the recognition it deserves (= chicks in trusses are hot!), I felt it was time for my white wife and I to see Dogg Pound rapper Kurupt in his porny Making the Video debut. "Those white girls are cute," one actress in the movie said, "but they're inside with the central air while we (N-word deleted) are out in the heat." Find out why they still had it better than Kurupt after the gap. - G. Ponante

---

"Kurupt Uncut XXX"

Studio: VCA
Director: Shooter
Cast: Kurupt, Baby Girl, Melodee Bliss, Cherokee, Roxy Reynolds, Sydnee Capri

Review by Gram Ponante

Since the gonzo style of porn filmmaking originated in 1458, there have been few changes to its structure of Girl Masturbates to Offscreen Voice, Guy Shows Up, They Get Into It, She catches One in the Eye. That is until the Rap-to-Porn video was invented.

In the Rap-to-Porn video, the Gonzo format is interrupted, if not subverted, by the trope of dirty hijinks ensuing during the making of a hip hop video. This is Chomsky talking, not me.

Kurupt: Uncut XXX begins with Kurupt and homie (this is from the text) Jelly Roll laying down tracks for their uncut hit single "She likes to what?" I didn't know how something could be a hit before it was cut and released, but I assume that stuff works in the same way my being on the pre-order list for the next "Harry Potter" does.

Kurupt has an efficient entourage, so when groupies arrive they are made to sit in a waiting room and then they are serviced by a member of the staff. After a while, it seems as if the groupies arrived at the studio for no other reason than to be serviced by the staff.

The first groupie doesn't even get to see Kurupt. Imagine if you or I went to go have sex with Belinda Carlisle and we only got to have sex with Jane Wiedlin's hair person.

So that's what happens with Cherokee and John E. Depth. While showing her around the studio he asks if she knows what a mic check is. (She does. It is different from when I won tickets to the Up with People rehearsal.)

The next scene is on location at the Southern California set of the video. The same thing happens. While trying to get closer to Kurupt (that's all these women want to do), Baby Girl (just not a good choice of a name for a porn actress, period) is pawned off on Cuntre Pipes. She goes willingly, leaving all thought of Kurupt behind.

By now I was wondering if young, skinny Kurupt had any idea that his underlings were keeping such exquisite phat buttz from him.

Kurupt's cousin, D. Wise, is worried that none of the women on the set are giving him any play. Under the auspices of kickstarting Melodee Bliss' modeling career, he starts taking some still pictures. Bliss and D. Wise do the best acting job in the movie as they spend several minutes going back and forth about his trustworthiness.

After he finally cajoles her into going to bed with him, he tells her to "wipe that shit off your mouth" (it's come, not shit, and I'm mailing back my degree in the morning).

"Oh no he didn't," Bliss says to the camera.

As the day of the video shoot wears on, there seem to be more and more women lounging around in places where the video shoot isn't taking place. I began to believe that there is something about Kurupt that actually repels these women, because if they were really adamant about seeing him they would stop lolling about in the upstairs bedroom, the jacuzzi, or the pool and walk over to where the cameras were and where people were getting their logo ballcaps pixillated.

In such a non-go-getter attitude does the next Kurupt functionary find Sydnee Capri talking on a cell hone by the tub in a bikini. She offers no resistance whatsoever. (In fact, she actually checks her nails at the beginning of chapter 39.)

Upon viewing the final cut of the video at the end of the movie, it was sad to see that few of the women who had so trustingly given themselves to Kurupt's crew were even in it. The quest for celebrity makes us do strange things. I got the impression that the booty-shaking featured extras might have been surprised that there was a porn shoot going on on the grounds of the same mansion.

I feel bad for Kurupt, but he chose his friends.

*****

· VCA (vcapix.com)

Previously: Porn Review Limericks: All Azz Edition, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive