Porn Review Haikus: Hosiery Edition

As porn visionary and resident Fleshbot poet laureate Gram Ponante tells us in this week's edition of Porn Review Haikus, "One would assume that if this installment of PRH is subtitled the 'Hosiery Edition' that all the films reviewed would be somehow about hosiery. One would, alas, be wrong. There is also some high talk herein about 'geishas' and 'sluts'." Just so you don't get confused or anything.

Everything you need to know about Mayhem's "Bunzai!", Colossal Entertainment's "Caged Sluts", and Smash Pictures' "Stocking Secrets #11"—in seventeen syllables each—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus: Hosiery Edition
by Gram Ponante

. . .

"Bunzai!"
(Mayhem)

Anjin-san: Do not
Dishonor my ancestors
By de-gaping me.

If "Shogun"'s Richard Chamberlain could've made straight porn, "Bunzai!" is what he would have created.

The press release says it all ... and then, like a plot twist from the Mysterious East, unsays it:

"5 nasty little Gaping Geishas are getting bent over and reamed with rock hard cocks as stiff as samurai swords. These little kamikaze cunts just can't get enough giant throbbing dicks fucking their quivering wet pussies raw, DP'ing them into oblivion, and getting their bungholes pounded and pummeled into wide open wind howling gapes until they scream like wild banshees."

I have said this since my honorable grandfather taught me to hover above the bamboo forests, playing a single note on my harmonica for hours and hours: Porn publicists need a dramaturg. Where the fuck did the banshee come from?

. . .

"Caged Sluts"
(Colossal Entertainment)

I am in your jail
But your bars cannot hold me:
Sluts are free spirits!

North Hollywood's upstart studio, Colossal Entertainment, knows that good porn is all about metaphors. What are MILF videos but an expression of repressed sexuality toward our own mothers? What are interracial gangbang/bukkakes but a manifestation of our need to create a society free of racial and class prejudice? What is a restraining order but a cheap way for Kami Andrews to let me know that we're nothing more than dear friends?

"Caged Sluts" is about various cock goblins being let out of cages to fuck men. The tanned and bespectacled Eva Angelina joins Mika Tan, Chrissy Cumms, Kelly Tyler, and Trina Michaels in letting us know that within us all is a sexually feral thing being paid about $500 a scene whose pubic area is covered with minuscule bumps from constant shaving and waxing ... bumps that only the coming HD revolution will reveal.

. . .

"Stocking Secrets #11"
(Smash Pictures)

Take off those stockings
And give them to the prop guy—
You can't keep them.

I suppose if I did the slightest amount of goddamn work I would be able to find out what type of customer buys lingerie fetish videos.

The press release, containing code words like "romantic" and "sophisticated", makes me think that if Google could place AdWords on Craigslist, the "Stocking Secrets" series would show up in any link that contained a variation on "seeking financially-stable older gentleman who appreciates the finer things in life."

As a person who partakes in several fetishistic behaviors himself (IKEA lamps in your ass, dreidls in your ass, Don Delillo's "Libra" in your ass), I am not one to cock an eyebrow at the likes of Mackenzie Mack donning and doffing doilies, but I do wonder where the payoff is. Maybe when I no longer worry where my rent is coming from I'll know?

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive