Porn Review Haikus

We've been parsing and scanning all morning and we still can't find a discernible theme running through this week's selection of haikus by porn visionary Gram Ponante—but then, those poetical types are supposed to be inscruitable like that. (Besides, that's why they call him a "visionary".)

Everything worth knowing about "Nailed with Cum", "Bomb Ass White Booty 2", and "The Vampire Chronicles Volumes 1 and 3"—in seventeen syllables—after the jump.

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Porn Review Haikus: A New Hope
by Gram Ponante

. . .

"Nailed with Cum"
(Smash Pictures)

If I could but build
An altar to our loving,
I'd use my cum nails.

Smash Pictures has smashed together over 100 pop shots in two hours in this compilation DVD, highlighting some of the early work of today's finest starlets before they applied race-changing tans (Eva Angelina), standardized the spelling of their porn names (Eva Angelina), or got new glasses (Eva Angelina - because she had cum on them).

Also included in this brass tacks gonadal onslaught are XRCO's "Orgasmic Analist" Lauren Phoenix, Elegant Angel's Tiana Lynn, and Wicked's Keri Sable.

. . .

"Bomb Ass White Booty 2"
(West Coast Productions)

Shadows on treetops:
Again with your big white ass.
"Ass ass ass." Big deal.

This is the Nagasaki to its predecessor's Hiroshima, leveling cities with ass while our science community wrings its hands. "What have we done?" etc. Yawn. Be quiet for a goddamn minute, you scientists! There's ass here!

Somehow, Nina Hartley is in this.

As a linguistic anthropologist and an American, it is important to me to determine which words modify what. Does Bomb modify Ass? Is the delightful Kami Andrews' ass shaped like a bomb? A dirty bomb? Is Bomb a verb? Is Ass White Booty a place where Paul Simon performed? I'm not gonna play Ass White Booty, that's for sure.

I think the solution here is to put a hyphen between Bomb and Ass, but that's my solution for everything.

. . .

"The Vampire Chronicles Volumes 1 and 3"
(ArchAngel Productions)

I got this for free—
You want to watch it with me?
Guess I don't either.

Mix condom-only couples' sex with today's best smooth jazz porn stars, add some broody vampires (but not the homoerotic kind), an exotic-appearing but geographically unsound title character (Nickloas Estaban), and you've got a big, safe adult feature film.

Present-day Chatsworth in the San Fernando Valley will be sprinkled with some porn magic to recreate 19th century New Orleans. This prequel and sequel to last summer's debut release, in which our heroes meet on the set of an adult film and sparks and wipes fly, stars Nick Manning, Steven St. Croix, Shay Sights, Nikki Hunter, and Syren, comprising a veritable VH1 of porn.

Now if we could only get Coldplay or the Gin Blossoms to portray Renfield ...

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Previously: Porn Review Haikus Archive