An Alt-Relationship Sexicon

It Feels More Real When It Makes More Sense.

When I entered the wild, wild world of adult entertainment I found that it was not quite as wild as I had anticipated. Sure, there were naked chicks running around while dudes made dirty comments. Or naked dudes running around while other dudes made dirty comments. But there were and remain legal, cultural, and personal reasons that professional sex workers maintain distance or take on personas that do not represent their off-work lives.

Due to the potentially profitable nature of legal sex work, mainstream money and non-sex-workers pass through the industry and bring with them whatever knowledge they have of sexuality, sex work, art, and relationships. Often that knowledge is just as mainstream as their last resume update. This, in turn, has resulted in some lame-ass porn trying to pass itself off as depicting “alternative” relationships.

As a service to porn-viewing humankind and the industry that has supported my dissolute way of life for so long, I offer this incomplete but well-intended mini Sexicon. It’s like a lexicon only about sex and relationships. In case that wasn’t obvious…

Monogamy: Christianity has been highly effective in promoting and enforcing the practice of monogamy in the countries it has conquered or heavily influenced. In its simplest form, it is a dyadic relationship form where there can only be one partner per person at a time. This is the inspiration for the “one true love” trope that breaks so many hearts over the years. Monogamy stands as an opposite to non-monogamy, which comes in quite an assortment of flavors.

Swinging: Also known as “The Lifestyle,” this is the practice of otherwise monogamous couples swapping sexual partners or engaging in some manner of multiple-partner or extra-marital sex. The goal is casual, recreational sex with a minimum of commitment. At the end of the encounter, everybody goes back to their own homes with their own partners. Condom use is encouraged but not always enforced at swinger clubs or parties. Swingers have traditionally tended toward financially stable, middle age, married, often with a stated goal of a threesome with a bisexual woman. The demographics are trending downward in age, with an increasing number identifying as other than heterosexual or vanilla.

Cheating: Regardless of what your relationship agreements are, if you violate one or more, you’ve cheated. What happens next depends on the people involved. A friendly hug or kiss on the cheek may be perfectly fine to one person, while falling in love with a friend-with-benefits may be cause for a breakup to another, so it’s important for people to share what their comfort level is when it comes to their partner touching or caring for another person.

Polygamy: This is the stuff of sister-wife, brother-husband content. In many ways, it is monogamy upsized since its goal is for one person to marry multiple spouses. Its most commonly recognized form is that seen in cable programming like “Sister Wives” and was historically practiced by the Church of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons). It consists of a husband with multiple wives and is called polygyny. Less well-known is polyandry, the practice of a woman having multiple husbands. It still exists on the Plateau of Tibet and the Marquesas Islands of the South Pacific.

Polyamory: In addition to being the unholy alliance of a Greek prefix and a Latin suffix, this is my personal favorite for relationships. The name means “many loves” and while the details of how all that works out can be complex, the core idea is simple: whether as a solo individual or within a pre-existing and continuing pair-bond, sexual and romantic relationships with other people remain realistic so long as all involved are in the know and in agreement. Common configurations are the “V” or “Vee,” which consists of two people involved with a common lover but not one another. A more established “V” may be called a “Triad,” or my least favorite new term, “Throuple.” As sometimes happens, a “Quad” may form from the uniting of two pre-existing couples or four individuals. Crossover between the swinger and polyamory communities has become increasingly common during recent years.

Polyfidelity: A form of multiple partner relationship that resembles monogamy in as much as it has a cap on the number of sexual and/or romantic partners involved.

Dominant/submissive: These power-exchange relationships exist within a kink or BDSM environment. Dominant partners of any gender accept control of and direct activities during a “scene.” A “scene” can last minutes, hours, weeks, months, or even be a 24/7 arrangement. The submissive partner(s) agree to obey the directives of the Dominant(s) and accept any agreed-upon discipline if deemed necessary. “D/s” relationships are ideally negotiated with each partner clearly expressing their boundaries and limits, as well as needs and desires. It may appear that the Dominant partner is completely in charge, but consent can be withdrawn by any partner at any time. The use of “safewords” is common, with many people opting for a traffic light-themed check-in code. Red means stop immediately, Yellow means slow down, and Green means to keep going. Relationships can be formalized with a collar or other symbolic ornamentation, terms of endearment, or other meaningful objects or rituals.

Master/slave: Often confused with D/s relationships, a Master (or Mistress) and slave are involved in an even more complex power dynamic. While many “M/s” relationships are professional in nature, they exist in the wild, as well. Since complete control is involved, they require a far deeper degree of trust. Again, these relationships are ideally carefully negotiated to ensure mutual enjoyment and safety. The “big letter” generally exercises far more control over the “little letter’s” time and attention than in a D/s relationship. One submissive may tend the home fires while another may support their Mistress or Master. Withdrawn consent is nearly always cause to renegotiate or terminate the dynamic.

In summary, as a kinky, pansexual, panromantic, polyamorous cis female-identified person, I beg of you, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and fucks like a duck… don’t call it a unicycle.