Shit Happens When You Party Naked

My dad used to say that the weirdest shit happens when you party naked. I think he meant to scare me with insane stories about teenagers getting caught mid-action and girls giving birth in high school bathrooms, but he wasn’t wrong.

There are a few weird laws about sex in America and around the world that will surprise you, make you giggle, and help you proceed carefully and lawfully! Some of these laws are so bizarre and specific that you’ll be left wondering how many times that happened before it was deemed illegal. Even though some of these rules and laws are relics that haven’t been changed, others are recent and enforced. Would you run the risk of getting caught even knowing that the chances of getting caught are slim?

There’s no place like home, right? Let’s start with some of the weirdest in America.

It is illegal for a man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish in Minnesota. Close your eyes and try to visualize a man trying to have sex with a fish… this sounds like the beginning of a blowjob horror story!

In Utah, sex with an animal is not considered sodomy and is, therefore, legal unless it’s performed for profit. I guess you can go crazy in Utah if bestialism is your cup of tea; just don’t get paid for it. There are also no laws against bestiality in Hawaii.

Now for a little legal discrimination from Utah, no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to the standard charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper.

It is illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture in Oxford, Ohio. I want to slow clap to the woman who did this so scandalously that it had to be passed as law.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is against the law for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. I can totally see this happening. This guy couldn’t get fireworks for his lady, but he made it rain bullets.

It is punishable by law to have sex while hunting or fishing in Oblong, Illinois, on your wedding day. Does that mean that any other day is ok? If you happen to be in Illinois selling a reptile, remember there is official legislation requiring you to give the buyer a written warning telling them not to “nuzzle or kiss your pet reptile.”

This one is equally intriguing and funny. In Bozeman, Montana, all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown is illegal if they are nude.

In Newcastle, Wyoming, couples are banned from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer. So, just lay down and freeze your butt off.

In Cottonwood, Arizona, couples having sex in a vehicle with flat wheels will be fined, and the fine will be doubled if the sex occurs in the backseat. Please, if you’re ever about to have sex in a car in Arizona and your wheels all happen to empty simultaneously, stay in the front seat! If you happen to be in Virginia, do not have sex in your car because it is illegal no matter where you park it.

This is a personal favorite. The idea had never occurred to me, so now I have to stay away from Anniston, Alabama if I ever lose a game of pool and want to legally settle the tab with sex. Anal and oral sex is illegal between unmarried people in Alabama, so proceed accordingly.

In Indiana, “covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state” are illegal in public. I would love to meet the boner patrol of Indiana.

In Ohio, it is illegal for a stripper to touch a patron. Stormy Daniels was arrested at a strip club in Columbus, Ohio, after allegedly touching patrons on stage in 2018. She faced three misdemeanor charges.

Anyone in Texas with six or more “obscene devices (AKA dildos) is presumed to possess them with intent to promote,” and promoting obscenity is illegal.

I want you to stay safe, dear reader, so let me tell you about the strangest laws about sex from around the world.

In Singapore, it is illegal to be nude if you’re in a private place that is in public view. So, stay away from windows!

Japan has one of the most fascinating sex cultures anywhere in the world. They are very strict about porn, and exposed genitals must be blurred out by law.  Toshi Maeda, an animator and the self-proclaimed ‘tentacle master,’ says he uses octopi’s arms to bypass the blurred-privates policy. Have you ever been curious about tentacle porn?

The Uganda Parliament passed an Anti-Pornography Bill in 2014 and invested almost $300,000 in a “pornography detection machine.” You can get locked up for ten years for getting caught with movies, photos, audio, erotica, or erotic music. Keep your Marvin Gaye CD at home if you’re planning a trip!

In Indonesia, the punishment for self-pleasure is a maximum of 32 months imprisonment. This is an excellent example of why it’s important to research where you’re going before going on trips.

Sex toys are illegal in the Maldives, Thailand, India, Saudi Arabia, and Malaysia. If you are caught with one going through customs in Vietnam, you will have to hand it over, but you can reclaim it when you exit the country. Can you even imagine?!

Most of these laws are funny, and I’m sure they haven’t been enforced in a very long time; if they have, at least not very often. But the international laws are the reason why I wrote this. As a nomad, I’m very aware of the risks we take when we enter a country, blissfully unaware of important legislation. I wasn’t happy to leave behind my… handy helpers when I went to Vietnam, but I was thrilled to avoid any problems with customs. As it turns out, my dad was right, and a lot of shit can happen if you party naked in the wrong place and at the wrong time.