Weirdest Penises in The Animal Kingdom

As a sex worker, I was surprised to see the weirdest penises in the animal kingdom. And as a writer, I couldn’t resist sharing the facts. Dicks can have multiple heads and hooks, they get ripped off, and they can regrow.

I’ve seen a handful (or two) of human dicks that deserve a spot on this weird penis list. You might think I’m exaggerating. That there’s no way I was surprised by the weirdest penises in the animal kingdom or that there are human dicks that deserve being on this list. Rest assured, that only means you haven’t seen what I have. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that human dicks are not intrinsically weird. The immense variety in sizes, shapes, and colors is weird; it is also a gift to the vast array of dick lovers.

I would never suggest or imply that something “weird” is bad or negative. I intend to explain that whatever I talk about is not statistically “normal.” Unless it’s your kink and you tell me about it, I’m not here to dick-shame anyone. So, if you think your penis might be the weirdest in the animal kingdom, power to you, Sir! Figure out how to use it so that it feels good and start having fun.

Our knowledge about penises starts with a fossil from at least 425 million years ago in the Paleozoic era. The 5-millimeter-long crab-like crustacean has a “large and stout copulatory organ” that was so impressive that scientists named the creature Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That translates to “amazing swimmer with a large penis.” The most common use of a penis is to reproduce with a female, but gender and sex rarely fit into perfect binary categories. The weirdest penises in the animal kingdom are no different.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/nine-weirdest-penises-animal-kingdom-180976274/

Blue whales are the largest animals (including dinosaurs) ever to roam the earth. These magnificent animals can reach up to 100 feet in length and can weigh up to 400,000 pounds. The tongue of a blue whale weighs as much as an elephant, and the blue whale can weigh the same as about 33 elephants. Just think about that gigantic animal and imagine how big their penises must be.

Fact: Blue whale penises range between 8-10 feet long with a foot-long diameter. Each of its testes alone can weigh up to 150 pounds, and they can ejaculate gallons of sperm at a time. YIKES!

I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to swim next to this majestic king of the ocean and suddenly see a penis twice my size engorging next to me. It’s no surprise that many people, including Prof. Michael Sweet (award-winning researcher, lecturer, and professor in Molecular Ecology), believe that the Loch Ness Monster might actually be a colossal whale penis.

Source: https://unrealfacts.com/echidna-penis-four-heads/

The Echidna is a monotreme. That means that, along with the platypus, they are the only egg-laying mammals. Like porcupines, they have thousands of quills covering their bodies.

Fact: Echidna penises have one shaft and four heads. When the four-headed penis is erect, it extends to about a quarter of the length of its body. The ejaculation only comes from two heads because the other two close over.

Males use two heads simultaneously because females have a two-branched reproductive tract. The male echidna’s coat of quills even covers their four-headed genitalia. Honestly, this could inspire horror stories of all kinds. It’s simply horrific! But these cute animals have earned their place in the list of weirdest penises in the animal kingdom!

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/nine-weirdest-penises-animal-kingdom-180976274/

 These eyeless cave insects really challenge what we know and understand about sex. Males of this species don’t have a penetrative organ, but females do.

Fact: Males of the species have a vagina-like pouch containing sperm, while females have a unique penis-like organ that penetrates and vacuums up sperm from the male.

I feel like this is the ultimate female version of a breeding fetish! And it definitely earns the insect a place among the weirdest penises of the animal kingdom.

Source: https://unbelievable-facts.com/2016/07/bizarre-facts-about-animals.html/3

Male argonaut octopi are much smaller than females (3/4 of an inch vs. 4 inches). That is why their detaching penis tentacle is necessary.

Fact: Males eject a tentacle containing their sperm towards females.

The tentacle develops a pouch under its eye that explodes and propels itself to attach and enter the female sac, after which the male dies.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Sea_Slug_Chromodoris_reticulata_(7963729296).jpg

Chromodoris reticulata (sea slugs) have the world’s only known example of a disposable penis.

Fact: Chromodoris reticulata are hermaphrodites and fertilize each other simultaneously during sex. They penetrate each other from the right side at the same time and fill each other’s vaginas with sperm for around ten minutes.

Ayami Sekizawa from Osaka City University watched the mating slugs; she noticed something odd. After they mated, they would crawl away with their penises still extruded from their bodies. Twenty minutes later, their genitals broke off completely. Talk about having one of the weirdest penises in the animal kingdom!

Further research found that the penis that broke off is one of three disposable segments. Penis amputation isn’t unheard of in the animal kingdom. Some spiders leave their severed penises inside their partners. The honeybee has a tiny penis that can only be seen under a microscope but packs a punch. After the male couples with the queen, “the ballistic emergence of his semen forces him back,” basically ripping off his penis and killing him.

We know so much about the weird penises of the animal kingdom because:

“Penises have been a longstanding subject of scientific fascination, and they’re far more studied than vaginas. One explanation for this research gap is because of who has been asking the questions until quite recently, and who's been deciding how those questions should be answered.”

The most significant difference when it comes to humans is that genitals aren’t the most important organ when it comes to mating. The human mind is the most fundamental element of our sexual behavior. Fetishes, kinks, likes, and dislikes are the driving force and motivation for our sexual behaviors. Because despite what many people would like us to believe, sex is not just about reproduction for humans.

References:

https://nypost.com/article/blue-whale-penis-vs-barnacle-penis-size/amp/

https://theweek.com/articles/474417/12-weirdest-animal-penises-earth-updated?amp

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/nine-weirdest-penises-animal-kingdom-180976274/