The Green-Eyed Monster That Kills Relationships

Jealousy Isn’t Sexy, It’s Scary and a Sign of Trouble.

In a world where people have serious discussions about whether “Alpha Males” are superior to every other male, it’s hardly surprising that jealousy is viewed as a sign of love by some. Possession is 9/10 of the law, as they say, clearly showing a poor understanding of the law, but the sentiment is endemic among those who see relationships, however tenuous, as territory that must be defended against possible invaders.

Alas, the autonomy of women and their preferences have suffered as a result of this corrosive attitude about intimate emotional and physical connections. While the dudes have been fighting among themselves to prove whose dick is metaphorically bigger than all the other dudes, the capacity for the sexes to experience quality connections has suffered. Frankly, the whole Alpha Male nonsense leaves most men out of the equation, too. I find that it’s a very self-defining phrase that does no one any favors, including the supposedly Alpha male.

Sadly, one thing that both men and women have in common is their capacity to feel jealousy. We know this due to popular music, especially the blues. If there’s a question that people beginning to explore consensual non-monogamy ask me, it’s how to deal with jealousy. Even those who don’t see Alpha Male-hood as a goal struggle to feel confident in their relationships. There’s a popular myth that swingers and polyfolk have somehow risen above jealousy and evolved to some level of enlightenment rarely achieved by anyone below Bodhisattva level.

I’m here to tell you it ain’t necessarily so.

Jealousy, like anger, is what I call a “secondary emotion.” It’s a cloaking device so we don’t have to deal with what’s actually going on. It’s either a cover for fear and insecurity, or it’s confused with envy.

How do I differentiate between jealousy and envy?

Jealousy is a desire to not merely have an experience similar to another person’s. It’s a desire to take that person’s experience and make it our own. Jealousy is very Alpha Male-ish. It has a privilege that can’t be understated. Jealousy says it has a right to something and that anyone standing in the way of acquiring that thing is an enemy combatant. It sees the zero-sum game, the all-or-nothing result, the myth of scarcity, the fear of being abandoned for someone, anyone else, and it clamps down hard.

Common examples of jealousy within a consensually non-monogamous relationship include a classic limitation on female partners. Sure, you can get involved with another person. As long as it’s another woman and you’re only vaguely, if even that, bisexual.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. First off, it’s important to differentiate between jealousy and envy. Jealousy, as I’ve mentioned before, is a special kind of hurt that seeks resolution in taking what another person has. You don’t just want to be in a relationship. You want to be in a relationship with a very specific and unavailable person. At the very least, you want someone else to not have what they have since you don’t have anything equivalent or identical. Envy, on the other hand, is willing to share. It just wants in on the good stuff, too.

The opposite of jealousy is something called “compersion.” Essentially, it means that a person gains satisfaction from the happiness of their partner(s), regardless of whether or not they benefit directly from what makes their partner(s) happy. Seems simple, right? Your partner loves golf. You hate golf. Your partner finds someone else to wear ugly pants and ruin a walk with and you get to stay home and play sudoku in peace.

In reality, compersion requires confidence not only in our relationship(s) but also in ourselves. It requires us to be able to acknowledge that whatever happens, we are whole and good and worthy on our own. The truth of any relationship is that it can end before death do us part. Whether we are monogamous or not, this is a stark reality that we must all face. Death. Divorce. Emotional distance. All are risks and none of them depend on how many people we love or fuck concurrently or serially.

So, how do people successfully grapple with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Different strategies work for different people, of course, but one of the best lines of attack is honest communication. I know, that’s walking into a potential minefield, but if you’re going to have a relationship, whether it’s open to additional partners or not, you’re going to have to take some risks or suffer the consequences. While breaking up may seem like an obvious consequence, so is sublimating your true self in an attempt to avoid conflict.

In a word, jealousy sucks. But it can be a sign that things are out of balance. If upon reflection, we realize that no, this isn’t just envy, we can then begin to figure out why we’re feeling jealous. Is it insecurity? Is it fear? Or are we really getting shafted somehow and jealousy is our psyche’s way of telling us things are not as they should be?

For more on these and other topics, I recommend the following books:

• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino.
• Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships by Wendy-O-Matic.