Ageist Stereotypes Screw Us Out of Sex, Health, and Happiness

A Study of Czechs and Slovaks Finds That Ageism is Toxic.

It may not seem like it to the young, but getting older is a privilege that not everyone gets to enjoy. Unfortunately, there are a lot of negative stereotypes associated with being older, especially concerning sexuality. A small but provocative study focusing on 897 Czech and Slovakian adults aged 50 – 96 examined the relationship between stereotypes related to older adults and their sexual habits, health, and relationships. It should surprise no one to learn that ageist sexual stereotypes affect those who internalize them, and rarely for the better.

Surprisingly well gender-balanced, the study is limited by factors including internet access by respondents, no inclusion of LGBTQ+ adults aged 50+ due to low project involvement, and no distinction made between those in middle and late adulthood. More targeted studies clearly need to be conducted, but this one still produced some thought-provoking results, chief among them that the fewer ageist stereotypes embraced, the fewer sexual problems reported and the more valued sex becomes.

While it’s certainly better than the alternative, getting older does come with some downsides. Opportunities for partnered sex often decline as we age, for instance. Wear and tear on the human body can eventually lead to disability, illness, and associated limitations, which play into the dreaded age-related stereotypes. Likewise, as we get older, the chances of becoming unpartnered due to death or divorce increase, as do emotional states that encourage an indulgence in potentially comforting but ultimately destructive coping methods.

Among the stereotypes that can hobble an elder’s pursuit of pleasure is a conviction that sex at their age is unnecessary or even sinful. A conviction that “sex” is defined exclusively as penis-in-vagina intercourse further constricts ways that sexually interested elders can share intimacy. Being too embarrassed or ashamed to discuss how and how often to be sexual in a relationship compounds problems, as do inhibitions regarding the appropriate behavior and appearance of an adult 50 and older. Top it all off with a belief that older bodies are invariably unattractive, and that libidos invariably die and it’s no wonder those who identified as struggling with these negative messages also identified as having less sex, more strained relationships, and inferior mental and physical health.

By comparison, those more inclined to dismiss age-related stereotypes were also more inclined to identify their quality of life, overall health, and frequency of intimacy as being better and more frequent. Contributing toward their success was a willingness to explore non-coital or minimally coital focused sexual touch, and an acceptance of the fact that sexuality is fluid and changes throughout life. It’s perfectly natural to sometimes want more sex and sometimes want less, regardless of age. Likewise, there’s nothing inappropriate about older adults dressing saucily, using their hands, mouths, or even toys to stimulate various parts of their or their partner’s body, or expanding the definition of sexual expression to include simple intimacies like snuggling, kissing, stroking, hugging, and talking dirty.

The good news is that although many comfort themselves with a belief that older people don’t want, need, or deserve sex, those who think otherwise likely have a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw upon, which gives them a better chance at maintaining a less stressful relationship. This is not to say that some study participants didn’t feel liberated by no longer feeling obliged to be sexual. Others chose not to pursue medical attention to determine if there was an underlying health reason for their lack of sexual interest.

When one partner wishes to remain sexually active, especially as they did when young, and the other partner does not, then the couple must negotiate some troubled territory. It’s one thing to accept that aging happens and sexuality changes and quite another to give up because society has convinced you that old people can no longer be feminine or masculine unless they can fuck for hours. Interestingly, women with older partners are more likely to be patient with sexual difficulties than men are, as well as more likely to seek a solution.

In a nutshell, what these 897 people told us is to lighten the hell up about getting older and to start enjoying our aging bodies however we’re able. The more we tell ourselves that our sex lives are over, the more likely they are to be over and, with them, much of the emotional connection we’ve felt for our partner or ourselves. It’s not about how often or how penetrative solo or partnered sex becomes, it’s about how worthy we feel to enjoy sexual or sensual touch at any age of adulthood. According to the results of this study, the more pleasure we share, the healthier we’ll be, and the more successful our relationships will be.