So I plopped Virtual Sex with Janine into my DVD player, and after the typically interminable warning screens that preface porn videos, Janine appeared, ready and willing to turn me on. I said "Okay." As she twisted and gave me her "Come on, big boy" face, I noticed the four buttons beneath her: Strip, Stories, Foreplay, and Sex.

STRIP

I clicked Strip first, deciding to go in sequential order. Janine started talking to me, asking me whether I'd like to watch her disrobe. I said "Sure." So she proceeded to remove her bra and repeatedly squeeze her ample, somehow oddly-nippled bosoms. She asked me whether I'd like to touch them. I said "Why not?" but when I reached out to do so, they felt flat and hard and cold, much like the screen of my monitor. I sat back down. Janine proceeded to remove her bikini underwear, and I made note of two gigantic tattoos scrawled across her body, one covering her right arm and part of her back, and the other blooming over her bum. Honestly, they were kind of a turn-off. But that's just me. The striptease lasted about 5 minutes, and she asked me repeatedly to touch her private areas, but each time I tried, I encountered nothing but cold plastic.

STORIES

After I clicked on Stories, Janine started gyrating and dancing in a colorful, 2-minute MTV-style zoom-in/zoom-out striptease. In voice-over, she talked about the first time she had sex with a boy and, of course, the first time she had sex with a room full of scantily clad girls and a pizza deliveryman. I laughed.

FOREPLAY

Boy, does this section get down to business. When I clicked Foreplay, Janine was instantly nude and spread-eagled, her slathered vagina right there in the center of the screen, with someone's finger gliding in and out of it. Janine was moaning and telling the hand to continue its pleasing motion. I gathered quickly that the hand was my own. Interestingly, my hand looked rather small and feminine. I shrugged that off and studied my onscreen options.

On the left side of the screen, you can select a hand icon (currently in use) or a dildo icon. I clicked dildo, and the results were predictable: Suddenly my small, feminine hand was inserting a large golden dildo into Janine. This played for a couple minutes while Janine made "ooooh" sounds and urged me to continue.

On the right side of the screen, I beheld two mysterious abbreviations: ORL and ORG. Curious, I clicked ORL, and the dildo went away. Janine remained in her attractive spread-eagled stance, but now she was complimenting me on my prowess with my tongue. I said, "Huh?" but she assured me that I really know how to use my tongue. Then I realized the intention of this screen. So I moved closer to the screen, extruded my oral appendage, and pretended to lick, say, an imaginary ice-cream cone. If I angled my head just right and moved to a certain proximity to the monitor, I could imagine myself actually bestowing the pleasure for which I was already screamingly credited. I said, "Ha ha ha." Still standing, I used the remote to select ORG, and abruptly, Janine was shouting her release and insisting that I was talented. The video started cycling, so I viewed her release a few times, doing the angled-head thing again. Then I noticed a fascinating icon at the lower-right of the screen: I/N. I clicked I/N and Janine started cursing at me, still remarking about my talent, but more forcefully. In response, I tongued the air with increased vigor.

SEX

The final option on the main screen is Sex. I settled back into my chair and clicked the option. Whoa! Yes, there was Janine, having sex. With me! I watched appreciatively for long moments. She was on her back, looking up, into my eyes, with lusty-eyed uncompromised hunger, and she was again telling me how good I was. "Thanks," I said cockily. I glanced down at my—wait a minute! My pecker is plastic! What the...? I couldn't take my eyes away from the bottom of the screen. The penis there wasn't a penis at all—it was a dildo! I was wearing a strap-on dildo! And, wait, I could see the flesh behind the strap-on, as the rhythms of the sex brought it forward onto the screen. I could see the belly, the upper abdomen, the torso—I'm a woman! I'm a woman wearing a strap-on dildo! Thoroughly disturbed and questioning my sexuality, I stabbed the remote's Angle button, which took me to a ghastly close-up of Janine's vagina being pummeled be the plastic dildo attached to my female abdomen.

Frantic, I noticed icons plastered along the sides of the screen. Four along the left gave vague representations of lovemaking positions. I was currently in the missionary position, so I clicked the doggy-style icon, which took me to exactly the image that you would guess: my strap-on dildo entering Janine from behind. I pressed Angle again, and a different view of the scene appeared, pulling me out of her and placing me at her side, where she whispered naughty things at me and let someone else do the strap-on dildo thing. This appealed to me more, so I watched for a few moments.

I also tried the cowgirl and reverse-cowgirl options, and each time, Janine was gushingly enthusiastic about the way I maneuvered my strap-on dildo inside her. I didn't know what to say.

On the right side of the screen, I saw an option labeled Anal. I stared at it with some curiosity before clicking. I didn't know if I was ready to insert my plastic penis into her anus. I wasn't sure if I was that kind of girl. I decided to go for it. On her side, with one leg angled up, Janine helped me find my way into her lower intestine. She kept telling me how good it felt, but she seemed to be in pain. At one point, she let out a helpless yelp. I volunteered to stop, but she would hear none of it. I pressed the Angle button and my 65" screen filled with the puckered, violated orifice. The plastic intruder crammed in and shat itself out.

I saw my old friends ORL and ORG, so I tried each. This time, the ORL option took me to the disconcerting sight of Janine wrapping her lips around my plastic prick and performing fellatio. She seemed enthusiastic about this dubious endeavor. Somewhat reluctantly, I clicked ORG, and the plastic penis achieved the impossible by shooting strings of white goo into Janine's face. I wondered what the concoction was. Mayo?

The final option on the Sex screen is Titty. I clicked it and watched myself rub my fake penis between Janine's mammaries. This wasn't terribly fulfilling, but she seemed to be enjoying herself.

I had some scary moments while trying to exit the Sex portion of the DVD. I wasn't able to navigate out to the main menu. The video kept cycling back to the missionary position. I finally had to eject the disc.

VIDEO/AUDIO QUALITY

The full-frame video quality is good, but there's a distracting digital edginess to the entire presentation. The sound quality is above average. Full surround sound lets you savor every whimper and moan and naughty word. One complaint: The disc's levels are set way too high.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Virtual Sex with Janine can be an arousing DVD. However, I think the decision to use a piece of plastic attached to a woman is misguided. It takes you right out of the fantasy.