DVD BREAKDOWN:

As a huge metal head, I get excited any time I see metal and porn thrown together in the mix. In this Burning Angel case, we’re talking about some very metal massages as an underlying theme. From the moment I picked up this DVD box, I noticed the Spinal Tap reference showing my rocker roots. “This Massage… Goes to 11.”, a quote which is a direct reference to the spoofy mainstream film that lampooned a heavy rock band in the 80s. But right above that, you’ll see Angela White beautifully goth’d out and fitting that look like a glove. Angela is wearing a two-piece bra and panties with fishnets underneath. Small Hands is part of the box cover. He's the male talent who is married to the woman to his left, which happens to be THE Joanna Angel. She also is proudly sporting that dark look that she owns so well. The film’s logo title is neatly designed with a cartoony drawing of a hand holding a bottle of massage oil while throwing devil horns up.  Burning Angel box designs are done by the very man you see between these two porn goddesses. Small Hands has a background in graphic design which is noticeable if you pay attention to the stylish menus that are on the DVD.

Turning the box around reveals the cast of the film engaging in the sex acts you’ll see in the film. Photos are spliced in a collage that takes most of the space on the back of the box. At the very bottom in very small writing is the cast list coupled with the runtime of the film. Look to the left for the special features listings written in almost microscopic font. They advertise the Photo Gallery, Trailers,  and Full Motion Chapter Menus in small font. Legible if you’re wearing your reading glasses or have a magnifying glass handy.

Cast: Angela White, Joanna Angel, Romi Rain, Karlee Grey, Small Hands, Lucas Frost, Owen Gray
Directed By: Joanna Angel
Photo Gallery: Yes
Condoms: No
Approx. Run Time: 2 hours and 18 minutes

AUDIO/VIDEO:

Keep in mind the minute this DVD's main menu starts up you will hear loud music suddenly blasting. I'd make sure you'd have all of your volume levels low before spinning the disc. Especially if you are watching with headphones, so you don't go deaf. It lives up to the metal vibe of in your face menus with phrases like "Extra Shit" being your actual Extras Menu is what you'll see. The darker aesthetic is present in this film with lots of black clothes, dark colored makeup, and darker hair. It is a color schematic that never leaves the visuals of this film. The soundtrack does its fair share of keeping it heavy metal. Also, you'll hear Small Hands hit some high pitched metal yells with some also low pitched death metal vocals. No mention of 4K support at all on the box so I wouldn't expect it here in this Burning Angel DVD.

OPENING STATEMENT:

OPENING STATEMENT:

This is my first time reviewing a Burning Angel DVD and I’m nothing short of excited. I love the power couple that is associated with this brand, Joanna Angel and Small Hands. They took that alternative look with tattoos and body mod to make a comfortable brand for porn fans. Nowadays tattooed starlets are getting contracts and becoming cover girls for DVDs all while helping carry brands. It is no longer “underground” and Burning Angel is one of those venues that helped put this sexy new look at the forefront. Now porn buyers don’t have to look far for that sexy chick with blood red hair coupled with piercings that match her skull tattoos. This look can now be found in well-made adult films.

Metal Massage by Burning Angel advertises this diversity in presentation with the cast they bring forth. Not every girl in this film is super tattooed like Joanna Angel but that only adds more specialty to this diverse culture of the Burning Angel mystique. They just like to cast on the basis that fits the part of being an energetic performer. Take in to note that the focal point of this themed release is heavy metal, which is a sub-culture within a sub-culture so expect that outrageous attitude and look to compliment that. It’s time to see what these raunchy rockers are up to in my first ever Burning Angel title that I’m reviewing.

KARLEE GREY, OWEN GRAY:

A hilarious intro goes right into play once you select to play the feature option on the menu.  A maniacal greeting with Owen Gray and Small Hands will pump you up for the porno you’re about to watch. If you are a fan of movies like Airheads or Wayne’s World then you’ll immediately get the spoof. It’s overly explosive with pun after pun about in your face metal guys. They even throw in a plug for Small Hand’s own DOOM Whiskey for good measure. The wacky opener sets the tone for this light-hearted fuck feature about darker toned music. Two better guys couldn’t play the part since they are known to bring joy to their porno scenes, work ethic, and this funny skit opening the DVD.

It turns out that Small Hands and Owen Gray were cutting a commercial for their alternatively driven massage parlor. Joanna Angel bursts through the door loudly yelling on her cell phone. This can only mean one thing; she is their landlord for the establishment. Time for rent!

The rocker dude entrepreneurs make a menstruation joke after hearing “it is that time of the month” from an irate Joanna. The joke doesn’t fly and Joanna Angel only stresses the fact that rent is due even further. The troubled tenants figure out a hairbrained plot to pay back their understandably flustered landlord. Joanna warns them of a popular reviewer that is about to step between the doors before storming off. All in hopes that Owen and Small Hands can garner some buzz about their little metal massage parlor to get some more business from hipsters. Which equates to more money and that means rent gets paid.

Enter Karlee Grey. A show-stopping beauty of a reviewer just walked through their front door. This is my porno dream come true, mostly because it involves Karlee Grey playing a reviewer (heart emoji). She is as serious as they come as she is scanning the place all while letting Owen Grey’s inane quips bounce off her. It is time to take this place for a test drive as Karlee Grey begins undressing down to her thong for her trial. The peace is rudely interrupted before Owen even begins to massage Karlee Grey. His version of ambiance for the appointment is loudly offensive death metal. This, of course, brings instant dismay from Karlee as she rages that the music needs to be turned off immediately. Karlee Grey is finally impressed with Owen showing some drum skills he’s learned from his days in a speed metal band. The demonstration itself is a massage using lighting fast taps from his drumsticks on her back. This pleasures her to the point where sex must start up and that involves Owen Gray going face deep into Karlee’s regal bush to start up oral.

After some appropriate munches of Karlee Grey’s vagina, Owen brings her in close for some missionary insertion. His humps are rapid and quick. Karlee’s yelling in her orgasmic cries of approval for the thrusts of insertion from Owen. We now see Owen Gray entering Karlee Grey’s awesome arch. The doggy in vaginal starts here with these two as the camera steadily closes in on the action. Karlee only adds to this action as she starts to fuck back Owen in this flow of sex.  There is a part where Karlee Grey has a moment to herself as Owen steps off camera to get fully undressed. This is very sexually enticing to watch as she stimulates her pussy serenely with her ass up in the air.  It is time for Karlee’s amazing arch to fly in effect for her mounted cowgirl session on top of Owen Gray. While still on top in reverse cowgirl we get a nice squirt session squeezed out from Karlee. They actually go back into doggy style this time with alternate angles of the camera. Karlee really showing her passion here as the humping proceeds for position rotations like a sideways spoon fucking. Owen’s load is finally jacked off onto the obvious target that being Karlee Grey’s amazing boobs.

LUCAS FROST, JOANNA ANGEL:

After the climax on Karlee’s boobs, we go back to the boys cutting another funny commercial involving the purported lameness of their competitors. It rings the same tone as the previous outrageous takes they did, almost the same zany ad that they showed their landlord earlier. And speaking of their landlord she is back in the establishment yelling on her phone again. This time Joanna is interrupting Owen Gray and Small Hands’ discussion about their roles in the company and the future of their business. Joanna hangs up her phone and politely greets her hapless tenants. Almost forgetting why she barged in she finally recalls that the bad review from Karlee Grey is enough to fire them. Apparently, Karlee is in a neck brace after her “massage” from Owen Gray.  This doesn’t bode well for the metal bros and they are back to square one.

“Drummers can’t go solo, you know that…” Small Hands explains after hearing Owen Gray lament about going it alone after this loss of employment and a potential break up. A somber montage of memories flies by showing that the end is nigh for this metal friendship. Small Hands is now dejected and sad that his buddy Owen Gray has to move on from the Metal Massage parlor. Hands is laying on the couch whimpering metal tears because of this. Joanna Angel slides back into the picture catching Small Hands in this state of despair.

Lucas Frost enters the door as a customer wanting a massage but this is to the disapproval of Small Hands who would rather provide is services to a “chick”. Joanna Angel quickly steps into display the logic that this is possible “gender discrimination” referring to Small Hand’s refusal to give a massage to Lucas Frost. Thankfully Lucas doesn’t mind that discrepancy and would prefer a female masseuse anyways. Joanna Angel, the lovable landlord, comes to the rescue. She couldn’t be more happy to work on Lucas as she blows kisses in his direction. Joanna Angel prepares for the occasion by dressing appropriately. Her hard body now being only clad in scant lingerie revealing that these are her “massage clothes” to Lucas.

Joanna urges Lucas to strip down to be fully nude as part of her routine. After an interrupting phone call from one of her disgruntled tenants, it doesn’t take long for Joanna’s true intentions to come to light. A deep throating blowjob will blast into view for the sex to start.  It’s Joanna’s turn for some oral as Lucas flips her on the table to bury his pussy in her face. Rotations take us to a rocking missionary segment next. Lucas Frost displaying his pussy consuming arts in this scene. Lucas Frost will then fly into her pussy here full blast with his penetrating humping. Joanna Angel’s loud moans are the soundtrack to the sex that has started. Lucas Frost pulls out to get back to some pussy eating during this sexual pace. They dash into doggy style next with a great shot of the repetitive pumps from Lucas. I noticed the camera does well with doggy in these scenes so far. All in the pussy so far as Lucas Frost pounds into Joanna during the down-doggy part of sex.

Seamless transition to spoon fucking is next as both performers lock into this grappling position. The humps still healthy from Lucas as he vacates Joanna’s vagina. The massage oil being put to good use. You will see Joanna’s shining naked body during the leg spreading fucking. Cowgirl is next for Joanna’s glazed body to display. She gets on top and really grinds for the camera here. Anal insertion in the form of doggy style stance happens accordingly. The camera taking a closer shot of this anal penetration as Lucas starts his butt blasts into Joanna’s awesome arch.  Both performers grab each other close during the anal excursion which goes into a split open anal missionary part.  Standing anal in reverse cowgirl is the next setup with Joanna going nuts here slapping her own ass while being erected into the air by Lucas. The pop is fucked out of a bent over Joanna in doggy. The load is then blasted all over Joanna’s face for a finish.

ANGELA WHITE, SMALL HANDS:

Small Hands now has a message for all of us, he is now going as a solo act with Metal Massage. If metal gods like Ozzy Osborne can do it so can Small Hands! But what will this lead to? Perhaps a porn goddess that just happens to stroll through the door? That is exactly what happens when Angela White struts into the Metal Massage parlor. Although the topic at hand is more about Metal Massage’s bad review I can see it going well for Small Hands here.  And it does since Angela White doesn’t agree with Karlee Grey’s attitude in her review of the establishment. Angela is a go-getter so she decides to give Small Hand’s Metal massaging parlor a try for herself as she thinks for herself. Things are looking up for Small Hands, he probably forgot about his missing buddy Owen Gray by now.

Time freezes as Angela White starts to undress her fittingly gothic attire. The look on Small Hand’s face is evidence of this sexually omnipotent aura that emits from Angela.  She gets down to just fishnet stockings before she gracefully arches out on the massage table to let Small do his work. She is a little surprised at first when Small Hands begins doing hard metal vocals right into her glorious ass. But she soon starts to vibe with it. Small Hands rewards this accepting queen with his head buried into Angela’s pussy to start up oral sex.

Missionary with Small Hand’s penis penetrating pumps sets into motion for this rapid-fire scene. This shouldn’t be a surprise if you’re a fan of either of these performers as you’re probably used to keeping up with their barreling speed of sex. This is seen when Angela White is already lifted by Small Hands for some standing fornicating. All while bashing his face with her bodacious breasts.  Angela prowls on top of Small Hands in a professional maneuver of cowgirl riding.  It has her flying off for a fast ride of fornicating here with Small Hands. The transition between the other positions like the headbanging oral going right into a steady flowing reverse cowgirl is an example of this.

“Yes, that is so metal!” Angela hails as Small Hands rests his foot on a wild Angela White being bucked down in a doggy style thrust on the massage table. Small Hands is lucky enough to get return blasts from Angela’s boobs in return to more titty fucking in this scene. Double devil horns are erected in the air in celebration of Angela White’s heavy metal boobs.  Right, back into slamming missionary while still in the pussy you’ll see Angela’s metal boobs being slapped against her own face.  Both performers maintaining that titty grabbing intensity with every position change and expect some slapping as a result of it. Both performers really connected in this high flying missionary they keep going back to. Rightfully so, as I love seeing both Small Hands and Angela White meld into each other during this very metal affair. A final blast of cum coats Angela’s already glazed boobs after being summoned by a furious fuck to pop from Small Hands.

ROMI RAIN, SMALL HANDS:

The next scene is Small Hands counting some cash in front of a landlord that has been patient enough. Unfortunately, what Joanna Angel is handed is half of the rent in cash form. So being even more generous with time she gives Small Hands one more day to come up with the remaining bill due.  Small Hand’s struggle is real when he’s found at the side of the road spinning signs to draw in customers. It is not looking good as we soon see him dozing off after a defeating day trying to get cash flow for his massage parlor. Thankfully an uplifting entrance with Romi Rain bursting through the door with smoke billowing lifts up Smalls Hand’s mood. She happens to be the lead singer of Toxic Pussy adding more excitement to this meeting at the Metal Massage parlor.

Romi reveals that she needed a breath of fresh air from her boring promotional tour and decided to stop in. This was the right decision for Romi Rain because the ambiance that this spa provides is right up her alley. Small Hands getting even more elated at the fact that she shares the disdain for those other lamer spas with flowers and cucumber water. It is time to rock out as Romi bends over to look at the menu of massages that Metal Massage offers. A brilliant shot of her ass is rewarded to us as she bends over to look.

Romi Rain decided on the “air guitar special” for her choice of service. Small Hands explains that he’ll be in the background ripping it up on his bass while Romi will be left to her own devices on the massage table as part of the massaging service. This still excites Romi Rain as she is totally into it already. So into it that, a literal music video begins with Small Hands and Romi just rocking out to some riffs randomly. More fun to be had by these horned up metalheads.

Romi goes right for the cock after some music-related puns. They keep going throughout the blow job as Romi Rain has the “microphone” in front of her face. This is really Small Hand’s cock which she is taking care of very well in this quacking BJ. The hard pace fitting the rocker vibe as they slam into positions like arch doggy but never neglecting Romi’s fiery oral skills. The scene really took off for me when Romi Rain was on top riding Small Hands hard. Her amazing ass cheeks jiggling rhythmically to the riding in cowgirl. Back in missionary, the scene is ablaze with passion with every pound from Small Hands showing this.  Proof that the casting had the power of good porno pairings in mind. Oil goes into this mix while Small Hands is humping away. When Romi is on the massage table getting plowed into she finally gets a pop all over her face.  This has Small Hands leaping out of mounting her to add to the “essential oils” on Romi’s face. She leaves impressed and properly coated.

Small Hands really lucked with this catch as Romi agrees to completely buy out his establishment so it doesn’t shut down. This will cover the rent and then some. So we get a happy ending for old Small Hands here and Romi Rain’s favorite massage spot will stay open no matter what the reviews say.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I'm a huge metalhead so I can appreciate any level of spoofing when it comes to this beloved art form. I watched a lot of Metalocalypse back in the day and I grew up with Wayne's World. That warmhearted humor is there for this porn film for sure. The metal bromance at the beginning of the film with Owen Gray and Small Hands could be its own spinoff. Funny encounters with the characters constantly happen in between the sex carrying this hilarious plot along. Speaking of the sex it is solid as it can be. Filmed so well that it could be considered that "couples" quality if it weren't for some of the rougher stuff that peppers some of the fornicating here. One thing that kept going through my mind as a new viewer to the Burning Angel product lines, Why did it take this long to watch their stuff? I can see this being in the collection of regular BA viewers but for me, I need to catch up with their catalog On Demand. They have a fully fledged member site with plenty of this metal themed stuff and more. This is something that a wisely curious consumer would do to further explore a new brand to them. Thankfully in this digital age, I can just get to streaming right away rather than hunt for DVDs.