My First Porn 5 (Blu Ray)

OK, so this starts out with a... producer, I suppose, talking to his staff about how much My First Porn 4 sucks. They say it's being poorly reviewed, which kind of implies it sucks. Not exactly the best way to open your next video, but what do I know.

Anyway, then there's some dude talking about how they need to make better porn. I think. The sound quality is absolute garbage and it's hard to catch it all. He yells over to Penny to get ready and tells her that she's 18 for today. So the opening acknowledges that it's not really their first porn, and it's all a lie. It's kind of weird.

PENNY FLAME

So the first scene is with Penny, who's 22- er, I mean, 18. Penny tries to suck a nice cock... and fails. She also stole some amazing pointy neon fabulous pumps from the early '90s.

Lame.

The Fresh Prince called, he wants his shoes back.

Anyway, it's clearly not Penny's first time. She's kind of hot and the guy's got a nice dick, but it's just not really as advertised, y'know?

How do you make this NOT hot? Only My First Porn 5 knows.

There's also some pretty shitty camera work that's missing the action as often as not. Cum shot in the mouth, and we're done. Watch out, the guy's a yelper.

Penny also adds some color commentary about the director needing to cum or to get a kleenex or something? Who knows?

Not me, that's for sure, and I sure as hell ain't rewinding.

LSD Interlude 1

Next: Something happens!

I... fuck. I don't know what exactly that was. I... I don't even know what to say.

There's a man in a wheelchair who... how do I put this. He's got one of those microphone voicebox things because he can't talk... and he's talking about tax evasion. And there's a hot girl behind him.

What the fuck is this? It sure as hell ain't funny.

SMASH CUT TO!

KIAYA LYNN

She's in a seedy hotel room with some dude in a black and white striped prison outfit. Kiaya, a hot Asian chick, is sitting on the bed, and they're talking to the cameraman.

She identifies herself as a professional, and then they say it's her first porn.

The cameraman identifies the scene as a guy who just got out of prison gets to be in a porn. And... they're still talking. Yawn. The "convict" is supposed to be "real" and asks to be paid in cartons of cigarettes, and asks that his face not be shown. I agree 100 percent with the no face thing, but my fans already know about my whole no-face policy with dudes.

Then the cameraman acts like he's never made a porn before, because it's his first porn, see? YAWN.

Then the convict jumps on Kiaya several times. Nice implants, Kiaya.

See? Nice implants. I told you.

She also seems to be fine with several rape attempts. They rip her fishnets, just because. Oh god, this is killing me.

More shitty camera work, which is apparently supposed to be realistic. Excellent shots of her knees... and then her shoes. I'm suspecting some buried foot fetish tendencies with the director. She then blows the convict. She does pretty well at that, I have to say. But getting there? Fail.

Because male convicts are... sexy?

Then there's some doggie-style sex, and then some more sex on the bed, blah blah, he cums in her mouth. She shows it to us with a strangely vibrating tongue thing going on.

LSD Interlude 2

New scene with the producer! He's talking to the design team making the box... where there's more complaining about the making of the porn. There's a complaint that the box doesn't accurately reflect the movie. LOL and WTF.

Also, did I really see a star wipe? Yes, yes I did. And quite a lot of them.

Devaun

Next we have Devaun, but I'm calling her Crimpy on account of her hair.

It's Crimpy's first porn, too! Really? Probably not.

Crimpy requests a small dick. Then she gets mad when a giant dick comes her way, and the owner stuffs it down her throat. Crimpy takes it like a champ. Amazing for her first time. *cough*

Crimpy is a really skinny bitch, so if you're not into skinny bitches, you may not be into Crimpy. Of course she gets into it and stops complaining, but a good slut wouldn't have complained in the first place, AMIRITE?

Her blowjob skills are about average, I'd say, but the camera work starts to make her look pretty bad after a while. It looks like she can't get down on the cock at all when they change angles.

Then they have sex, he cums in her mouth, and it's boring.

Crimpy, we hardly knew ye.

LSD Interlude 3

Another short scene with voice box man Oh god, I want to stop watching...

VICTORIA SWEET

Our intrepid director just arrives at the house of his male star, who questions him about the man with the giant boom mic behind him. He says it's so they can get better audio.

OH THE IRONY.

Victoria apparently doesn't speak English, which is hilarious because... foreigners are funny? I like her green outfit though.

It's '80s fabulous!

Another shoe shot! I know what's up with you, director.

More crap camera work. And more shoes. Naturally.

Why not just make a shoe-fetish movie and be done with it already?

Victoria does all right with the cocksucking. They also rip her fishnets too! I see more of what you like, director.

And then there's sex. Her boobs are kinda weird, but they're natural. More fishnet ripping, and then he cums all over her boobs. Then she speaks English at the end to ask for her money. Hilarious.

LSD Interlude 4

ANOTHER short scene with voice box man. WHY GOD, WHY?

JANA COVA and VALENTINA VAUGHN

And here's a girl-girl scene. But wait, no it's not.

Wouldn't you like to see them get it on?
Me too!

They get partially undressed, and then the director... has them get dressed again to start the "real" shoot. This is high comedy, folks. What's that I hear? Not laughter, but anguished cries of frustration at how this porn doesn't deliver anything remotely sexy?

I hear you. But at this point, I do not really care and just want this thing to be over.

Then Valentina says she's a nude model and can't be touched. She's an "erotic artist." Ha. Ha. Zzzz...

What follows is the weirdest scene I've ever seen. Valentina sits by herself and looks pretty while Jana sits far away from her and plays with a dildo.

This goes on for several minutes. NO LIE.

O.M.F.G. Is it over? It's over. Star wipes? Apparently so.

HALEY SCOTT

Next scene! The director says this is HIS first porn. Haley is confused, because it's not HER first porn. Haha. Girls are stupid!

She's hot, so she clearly can't be expected to think!
Or understand basic English.

Then Haley talks about how it's really her first porn once they actually start shooting, but she shot 250 scenes in two months. Girls are liars too, see. Stupid liars.

CAN YOU FEEL THE COMEDY?

So he gropes her and licks her snatch. I totally have her pink shirt though, so I must approve of that.

Haley likes to yank on the balls a bit. She's not so great with the cocksucking though. She's also the third chick to sport huge amounts of black eye shadow.

Then they fuck and... I'm asleep again. Zzzz.... Hwazat? Oh and now they are having anal sex and after a random cut he cums on her face and we're done. She gives his cock a rather pristine lick on the head, and then she ever so slightly sucks on the tip. So she gets ass to mouth basically on a technicality of it being edited that way.

Laaaaaaaaaaaame.

And we're done. Oh, thank you Jeebus.

Wrap-up

The good: Some of the girls are nice to look at. And it does, after 98 minutes, finally end.

The bad: To sum up, the director enjoys
--shoes
--star wipes
--black eye shadow
--ripping fishnets
--stupid liars

Grade: F

This is the worst porn I've reviewed so far, and I mean that. Really.

Bonus features: Photo gallery, Trailers to other fine Digital Playground
offerings, and Contact, which just gives their web site address.

Believe it or not the small photo gallery was actually HOTTER than the scenes they're photos of, because you don't have all the incredibly stupid shit ruining the sex!