What could be more blasphemous than a pornographic anthology release all about the Bible? 

“Bible!” marks writer-director Wakefield Poole’s third major pornographic release. Poole, a former ballet performer was already making a name for himself in the high-brow gay porn market, but by 1974 he was ready to try something different.

With “Bible!” Poole presents his vision of three biblical tales. There’s Samson and Delilah, Bathsheba and David, and naturally Adam and Eve.

Aside from a single one-liner, “Bible!” plays like a silent movie. Classical, big band and other public-domain music dominates each scene, and it’s not entirely clear what’s happening on screen unless you’re already well versed in each biblical tale. Even then, it’s sometimes hard to follow.

Poole’s cinematic vision is spectacular. The shots are magnificent, with elegant lighting, dreamy sets and creative makeup. It’s pure art-film eye candy through and through.

This is a 1970’s era porn, so keep in mind that Poole didn’t have the same sort of freedoms we enjoy today. Pornographically, “Bible!” features simulated sex and nudity only. It certainly makes you appreciate the diverse and explicit pornography we are priveledged to enjoy today.

It all begins at the beginning with Adam and Eve. This is the best of the lot. Poole presents a story of isolation and desperation for the naked and afraid Adam (Bo White). Less of a garden, Eden is more a deserted island, and Adam’s isolation is reminiscent of Tom Hanks’ loneliness in “Castaway.” He finds joy when a stunning nude woman, Eve (Caprice Couselle) emerges from the Ocean. 

After a promising start, “Bible!” goes off the rails with the ridiculous story of Bathsheba and David. Bathsheba (Georgina Spelvin) vies for her husband’s attention, gets frustrated, and winds up seducing and bedding David (Nicholas Flammel), who is portrayed as quite the peeping Tom. It’s a tribute to some of the humorous stag films of old with sped-up film, goofy Benny Hill antics and a ridiculous use of music. It’s kind of funny on its own, but is jarringly tone-deaf from the other more artsy scenes and kind of hard to watch.

Things get weird when Samson (Brahm Van Zetten) finds himself in an ice cave battling blue-skinned Umpa-Loompas. I had no idea that Willy Wonka was a biblical story. Delilah (Gloria Grant) seduces Samson and betrays his trust to take the source of his power--his hair. It sticks pretty closely to the Biblical story, except for the ridiculous portrayal of the Philistines.

“Bible!” is as visually stunning as it is bizarre. Cinephiles will no doubt enjoy elements of Poole’s cinematography, but the storytelling is out of control. It’s hard to follow, hard to watch, and is no surprise that “Bible!” flopped with moviegoers.

You can watch this and other classic films on demand at Pinklabel.TV.